


[user not found]

by whittler_of_words



Series: [user not found] [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Highschool AU, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mute!John, Self Harm, but only mentions, haha this is gonna be great, look at that john isnt the only one with problems, more to be added - Freeform, who'da thunk it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whittler_of_words/pseuds/whittler_of_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day starts of normal enough for Karkat Vantas, until he meets a new kid at school who manages to get under his skin without saying a word.<br/>--<br/>John Egbert could only hope that he can make at least one friend at his new school, so maybe it won't turn out like his last one. Unsurprisingly, he manages to screw up the meeting with the first student who approaches him; but it's not his fault he can't talk! Sort of...</p><p>((oooh foreshadowing ooohhhh))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Be Karkat

**Author's Note:**

> You'll have to wait a bit until I can format this with the pesterlogs and such, but i WILL get it done! Swears-ies!
> 
> I have up to chapter 9 done, so I'll try to stagger the chapters in a satisfactory way (and by satisfactory i mean sudden bursts of activity and then lots of none. maybe.) It really depends on my internet, okay! Anyways, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> EDIT: reader be warned, this story be riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes abound. far too many for me to be willing to fix anytime soon. notice that this is one of my earliest works and the quality of writing that comes with that should be expected.

“I'm off!” Karkat yelled over his shoulder through the open door, readjusting the straps on his backpack. He gave the bright morning sun a half-hearted glare between his fingers as he shielded his eyes. So. Fucking. _Bright_. A voice answered form inside the house.

“Goodbye, Karkat. Make sure to call me if you're going to be late coming home.” 

Karkat rolled his eyes as he closed the door to his house, walking down the front steps and out of the driveway. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and relaxed into a slouch as he got back into his old rhythm. He almost couldn't believe it when Kankri had surrendered to the idea of letting Karkat walk to school on the first day of Junior year. Normally he'd go on and on about how he couldn't deprive Karkat of the age-old tradition of driving him to his first day of the new school year, but luck had worked in Karkat's favor for once. Thanks to a last-minute all night picket in front of the city hall, Kankri was too tired to do anything other than sip his morning coffee and say goodbye from the couch. It saved Karkat the effort of having to listen about the underprivileged minority in their community for the five minutes it took to drive to Skaia High School, which was really only a couple blocks away. It wasn't the worst topic to be subjected to, but when it was the only thing he talked about 24/7, it made him want to puke. And it was no use trying to tell him to shut up – Kankri would just give him a blank stare and then reprimand him for trying to censor his own brother.

Karkat grumbled under his breath. It's not like they were real brothers anyway. But, whatever the case, there was no use getting Kankri to be quiet; once he was talking – which was virtually every thirty seconds – there was no stopping that train-wreck.

Karkat looked up from the feet he hadn't realized he'd been staring at when he heard the sound of people talking. Oh. He was already here? He really needed to stop getting lost in his head like that. With his luck, he'd be running into a pole or get run over by a car if he didn't pay attention.

Karkat walked through the entrance of the school to the inner courtyard, a hand leaving its pocket to hold onto one of his backpack straps. Kids all around him were huddled in groups, catching up with friends from last year. Others were scattered throughout the quad, either waiting for their friends to show or standing in the slowly accumulating breakfast lines. He huffed when he saw that none of his friends were there yet - wait, what was he thinking? Of course none of them were there. The few friends he'd made face to face had moved in the past couple of years, and of course it was wishful thinking to hope that Gamzee would show up on the first day.

Karkat almost hissed when a shoulder bumped into his as a group of laughing teenagers shoved by him. God damn it – he _really_ needs to stop doing that, especially in busy hallways.

“Fucking idiots. Didn't even say sorry. They're lucky I'm too tired to say anything for once. Probably wouldn't know what courtesy was if it hit them in the fucking face.” Karkat grumbled under his breath as he walked to reach his homeroom class. He swung open the door when he found it unlocked to choose a seat in the back of the class. It was when he was sitting down and taking a book out of his bag that he finally realized the other student already at his desk, the teacher squatting beside him. Really, Vantas. Does your obliviousness reach no bounds? He shoved the book in front of his face and tried not to listen as the teacher's voice notched down to a half-whisper. He failed.

“...Dad called us to make sure we knew what was going on, so you won't have any problems with the teachers. If anything happens or you have any questions, come here after school and we'll sort it out.” He heard the muffled clips of high heels against carpet as the teacher walked back to her desk. What was it with this kid? He quickly shifted his glance up from his book to get a look. A couple seats in front of him and to his right was a guy with ruffled black hair and a blue jacket. What the fuck? It's the middle of August – doesn't this moron know how hot it gets here? Well, Karkat wasn't really one to talk when it came to that. He usually opted for the sweaters himself, but he'd settled on long-sleeved shirts recently instead; it was a lot better than being on the verge of heat-stroke all day. Either way, this kid was obviously new. While Skaia High wasn't a bad school, as far as schools go, there weren't a lot of students. There was a small enough population where Karkat could easily remember the name and face of everyone that he cared to. And unless this kid was a freshman – which he doubted, from the look of him – he was a stranger to this place.

Karkat put down the book the he hadn't even read a word of as students came piling in, responding to a bell that he hadn't heard. As soon as the murmuring died down and everyone was seated, the teacher went to the head of the class.

“Hey guys, and welcome to a new year of Skaia High!” She smiled as a few kids whooped, then continued. “My name is Ms. Ciel – I'll say it again, See-Elle – and I'll be your homeroom teacher for the rest of the year. I've been teaching English at Skaia for two years, but I minored in Math, so if you ever need help on either of those fronts, I'll help you out. I'm also who you go to for information on school events, or if you have schedule issues or any other problems you want to address. Any questions?” She clapped her hands together when no one responded. “Excellent. This is normally the part where I update you on said events, but seeing as how this is the first day of the year, and there's no homework for you guys to finish last-minute, you can all choose your seats and hang out today.”

Karkat picked up his book as some students re-arranged themselves and chatter filled the room. The new kid in the jacket stayed where he was, but it's not like he was surprised. Karkat sighed into his book and began to read. Hopefully he could make it through the day without getting pissed off.

/ / /

Karkat made it home that day very thoroughly pissed off. 

After slamming the door with a bit more gusto than usual, he'd made it up the stairs faster than Kankri could ask him about his day, a feat he'd thought to be impossible until then. He dropped his backpack by the door of his room after closing it and flopped onto his bed, the springs creaking under his sudden weight. 

Fucking. God damn it fucking _hell_. Of course, one of the few times he'd actually decided to be (relatively) nice to someone for a fucking change, he was ignored. Usually something like this wouldn't have mattered to him like it was, but he honestly hadn't expected to be, well... _ignored_. He should have known better, really. How long would it take before he realized the universe hated him, its whole purpose was to screw with the life of one Karkat Vantas? 

_Calm down. Relax. He needs to relax._

He'd gotten back from the cafeteria after getting his food to see someone sitting at his table. _His_ table. This was not acceptable. He hated to be _that_ douche, but he couldn't help it – he was territorial. It was only when he'd gotten closer that he saw it was the new kid. Oh. Of course he wouldn't know. So he sat down and tried to talk, because he wasn't going to be remembered as the dick who harassed him on his first day. But the jerk had ignored him, instead, going through his backpack. What the hell was that, some passive-aggressive bullshit? He got that enough from Lalonde, thank you. So he'd gotten up, pissed and wondering if he'd done anything worse than usual, to try and find Gamzee again. But of course the motherfucker was nowhere to be found, which left him with un-vented anger and a lot of free time.

He grabbed the laptop from under his bed and opened up Pesterchum. Lo and behold, only one of his friends was actually online.

\- - carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 3:45 - -

CG: GAMZEE  
CG: GAMZEE YOU BETTER RESPOND OR I SWEAR TO GOD  
TC: hey karbro  
TC: WHATS UP MOTHER FUCKER  
CG: OH NOTHING. I JUST TRIED TO TALK TO A DICK TODAY AFTER HE SAT AT MY FUCKING TABLE AND HE BRUSHED ME OFF.  
CG: I MEAN USUALLY I WOULDN'T GIVE A FUCK.  
CG: BUT YOU DON'T USUALLY EXPECT THAT THAT TYPE OF REACTION FROM A FUCKING NEW KID.  
CG: I DIDN'T GET ONE WORD, GAMZEE.  
CG: NOT EVEN A “FUCK OFF”  
CG: HE JUST WENT THROUGH HIS THINGS LIKE I WASN'T EVEN FUCKING THERE  
TC: :o(  
CG: AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW I FUCKED UP THIS TIME.  
CG: DID I MANAGE TO OFFEND HIM IN THE FOUR SECONDS WHERE I INTRODUCED MYSELF?  
CG: DID I FORGET TO BRUSH MY FUCKING TEETH?  
CG: THAT'S THE LAST TIME I TRY TO BE NICE TO SOMEBODY WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK.  
CG: I MEAN, HE WAS WEARING A JACKET.  
CG: A FUCKING JACKET, GAMZEE.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK WEARS A JACKET IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST WHEN YOU COULD COOK AN EGG ON THE SIDE WALK?  
TC: :o0  
CG: ANYWAY...  
CG: I'M SORRY FOR LOADING THAT ON YOU.  
CG: IT WAS JUST WEIRD BEING AT SCHOOL WITH NO ONE ELSE THERE.  
TC: about that  
CG: NO  
CG: FUCKING NO  
CG: YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME THERE TOMORROW  
TC: sorry, Karbro  
TC: BUT THIS MOTHER FUCKER NEEDS SOME MORE TIME TO READJUST.

Karkat sighed, shutting his eyes briefly against a headache. 

CG: …  
CG: FINE. SEEING A SHOW THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
TC: :o)  
CG: JUST.  
CG:DON'T STAY OUT TOO LONG.  
CG: IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THESE IDIOTS AS IT IS.  
TC: you got it brother :o)  
CG: I HAVE TO GO  
CG: TALK TO YOU LATER, FUCKASS  
TC: ;o)

\- - carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 4:00 - -

Karkat shoved his computer under his bed. After a stealth mission to grab some leftover pizza from the night before, he ran back upstairs to his room and read the rest of his book. He finished it faster than usual. It honestly wasn't as good as he was led to believe, but he'd put too much time into it for him to just give up. 

He went to bed early, pushing a pillow over his head. Hopefully the universe would have something better in store for him tomorrow. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha, fuck yeah! I finally figured out how to format pesterlogs! eventhoughittookmetonsoftries... anyways, sorry for the delay but my internet was being a douche and my charger decided to stop working when I finally got to the library the other day >:[ anyways, enjoy two chapters today to make up for it! This one's a bit longer, i hope you enjoy!
> 
> trigger warnings for this chapter:
> 
> self harm
> 
> tread carefully, loves <3 if you see anything you think needs a tw please let me know!

Karkat waited outside of the homeroom door as long as he could before he had to go inside, but as soon as he walked in he knew it hadn't mattered anyways; the seat where the other guy had been sitting yesterday was empty, and Karkat tried not to acknowledge the relief he felt as he somehow realized that if he wasn't staying home, he wouldn't show up until at least the next period, which they didn't share.

At lunch that day, he almost stopped in his tracks when he saw the figure sitting at the table. Did Gamzee actually change his mind and show up today? His heart fell when he got a closer look. Fuck no. Hell fucking no. It was the guy again, sitting with his back to Karkat. Karkat dropped his bag on the table loudly, the new kid jumping and turning around. “What the fuck do you want?”

Karkat hadn't really gotten a look at the new kid in the two minutes he'd seen him yesterday, so he took this time to really take him in. His black hair framed a pair of glasses, the sunlight reflecting off of them so he almost didn't see the blue in his eyes. Like the day before, he was wearing a blue jacket, but unlike yesterday he was clutching a pen and notebook in his hands. A couple seconds later, he held out the notebook to Karkat, open to a page that had words scrawled over it in blue ink.

i just wanted to say sorry about yesterday. i left my pen in class, i didn't mean to ignore you :/

 

“Why the fuck do you need a pen?” Karkat handed back the notebook when the kid motioned for it, feeling a little suspicious as the pen flew across the page.

oh yeah, i probably should've explained that. i'm mute, i don't really remember how it happened, i was sorta young. i think i just stopped talking to people for some reason :p

Karkat slapped his forehead with his hand. Welp, that explains the teacher at his desk yesterday. “Oh my god, you are definitely not the one who should be apologizing here. I was such a prick, oh my God. Somebody shoot me in the fucking face before I embarrass myself even more, fuck.” The new kid wrote in the notebook again before handing it back.

dude, it's fine, it's not like you knew. i mean, how many mute people have you come across before? i'm John, by the way. i didn't really catch your name, sorry.

“It's Karkat. But still, I shouldn't have been such a dick – oh God, I am such an idiot.” Karkat let his hand slide down his face, looking up to see John smiling at him with a lopsided grin.

i know this is your table, so do you want me to go, or...?

Karkat sat down in front of his tray. “John, you sit the fuck down and eat your goddamn lunch or I swear I will strap you to the table myself.”

John let out a breathy chuckle as he slid back into his place and brought out a sandwich from a paper bag. They sat in silence for a moment while both of them ate.

“So, you're obviously new here. What made you switch from wherever the hell you were?”

things were ok there, but it got really awkward when it didn't work out between me and this girl. plus there were a whole bunch of kids trying to get me to talk all the time by ambushing me, so my dad moved me out of there :p

“You? You had a girlfriend? How the hell did you get a girlfriend?” John shrugged, not bothering to go for the notebook. “Anyways, you'd better not let Kankri get a hold of the second bit or he'll get all wound up from hearing another sob story from another unfortunate teenage soul.” Karkat continued when he got a raised eyebrow. “Kankri's my brother. Well, technically, he's my adopted brother, but it's not like that makes a difference. He's been raising me from a kid ever since my parents died in an accident or something. He spends his days running several activist groups, picketing certain political events, yadda yadda, the whole nine yards.” John nodded, looking slightly less confused.

“Do you enjoy feeling like your insides are being cooked well done, or are you just an idiot?” Karkat motioned down to the sweater, John frowning as he wrote.

it's not that bad :l i just got into the habit of wearing them i guess.

Karkat grabbed his things as the bell rang. “Shit. I have to go. Do you have a Pesterchum handle?” John furrowed his eyebrows before shaking his head. Apparently not. Still, he wrote down his Chumhandle and and shoved it into John's hands. “Here, take this anyways. I'll see you tomorrow, then.” Karkat waved as he headed back to History. “See you tomorrow!” He caught a glimpse of the returning wave before he turned around, and he had to fight back a smile on his way back to class.

/ / /

 

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 5:32 - -

CG: GAMZEE  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?  
CG: I'M A FUCKING IDIOT, THAT'S WHAT I AM.  
CG: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT JERK I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT?  
TC: how could a brother forget?  
TC: honk :o)  
CG: WELL IT TURNS OUT HE'S NOT A DICK.  
CG: HE'S FUCKING MUTE.   
CG: HE WASN'T IGNORING ME. HE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING NICE. APPARANTLY HE MOVED HERE AFTER HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HIS OLD SCHOOL.  
CG: SO PROMISE YOU'LL BE NICE TO HIM TOMORROW  
TC: SURE THING MOTHER FUCKER  
TC: :o)  
TC: you know what this is?  
CG: GAMZEE.  
CG: GAMZEE I SWEAR TO GOD.  
TC: ITS A MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLE, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.  
CG: GOD DAMN IT, GAMZEE.  
TC: it's a miracle, there's no other way to explain it  
TC: LIKE YOU TWO WERE DESTINED TO MEET.  
CG: WELL THIS “MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLE”S NAME IS JOHN.  
CG: AND IF YOU SCARE HIM OFF I SWEAR I WILL SEND YOU TO REHAB  
TC: :o(  
TC: no you wouldn't  
CG: NO, I WOULDN'T, BUT THE SENTIMENT REMAINS THE SAME.  
TC: ALRIGHT BROTHER  
TC: you keep riding those miracle waves  
TC: I NEED TO CATCH SOME MOTHER FUCKIN Z'S  
CG: FINE.  
CG: I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.  
CG: ASSHOLE.  
TC: :o)

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 5: 38 --

 

///

 

“Anyways, yeah, he can be weird as hell but you learn to get used to it.” When Karkat had gotten to school that morning, he found John waiting for him by the homeroom door. He was warning John about his future encounter with Gamzee as they walked in, Karkat trying to ignore the faint smile on Ms. Ciel's lips when she looked up. Karkat sat in the same seat as yesterday while John took the seat next to it. It's not like it was taken, anyways – it was a small school. Karkat unzipped his backpack and brought out a book. John pointed at it, asking the obvious question with his finger.

“Oh, this? It's just a book.” Karkat shrugged, handing it over. John smirked when he saw the cover that clearly conveyed the message, I am a sappy romance novel. The smirk changed to more of the breathy laughs like the day before.

“Shut up, John, or I swear to God I will duck-tape you to a chair and force you through the sappiest romcoms even I can think of.”

John tried. It was obvious in the way his face reddened and his uneven teeth bit into his lower lip. But it was only a few seconds before John burst out into a laugh, clutching his sides and the desk for support. Karkat could only stare. He hadn't expected... Fuck, he didn't know what to expect from the mute guy, but this actual sound was...nice. Yes, definitely, he could get used to this.

John had meanwhile suppressed into a whole body of silent shaking, his head on the desk in his arms as his shoulders heaved from the effort of containing what was probably a full-on cackle. Karkat's hand sort of hovered. What? He exchanged a brief bewildered look with the teacher at her desk.

“Uh, John? You there, John? Did I break you or something? Shit. John.” John finally sat up, grabbing his notebook and pen and writing shakily between gasping breaths, his face red and eyes watering as he handed it to Karkat.

Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed like that in forever!!!!!!!!

He hadn't? Of course he hadn't, he was mute! Did he make John break some Mute Code by making him laugh or something? Karkat looked up at John, who was still trying to recover, his face slowly returning to normal as he wiped away tears from his eyes.

“No shit, Sherlock. I could tell by the way you held yourself together so well.” John rolled his eyes, taking the notebook back.

you try not talking for five years and see how well you do!

Karkat blinked. Shit. Had it really been that long since John had actually laughed? That felt... entirely too wrong, somehow. Trying not to let John see how he was feeling, he snatched back his book with a scowl and began to read, John's breath still a little shaky and a smile playing out on his lips every time it started to go back down. When they waved goodbye at the end of homeroom, John was still smiling. Fucking dork. Almost gave him a heart attack.

To his surprise, John met him outside of the cafeteria at lunch, instead of at the table. John handed him the notebook before he could say anything.

I think that guy you were talking about is already there.

It only took one look to see that John was nervous. He wouldn't be the only one who didn't know what to do around new people..

“I don't blame you. Gamzee even scares the crap out of me some-holy fucking shit.” Karkat stopped in his tracks for a moment, earning a confused look from John. Karkat quickly surged forward, leaving John to catch up and trail behind as he approached Gamzee, whose back was to him.

“How the ever loving fuck are you even taller than the last time I saw you? This isn't humanly possible.” Gamzee turned to give him a half-lidded smile. 

“There you are, brother. I was wondering when you'd show. I thank the mother fuckin' miracles. Miracles can do things that no one can explain.” Karkat turned to the sound of John's feet crunching against the gravel.

“Gamzee, this is John. John, this unbelievably tall motherfucker is Gamzee.” John nodded as Gamzee gave him a half-wave. Karkat put down his tray and – god damn it, he forgot the fork again.

“Of course. I have to go back and get a fork. Gamzee, I swear to God if you break him I will-”

“Relax, Karbro. Your bro will be in mint condition when you get back.”

Karkat huffed, then left to get the eating utensil from the cafeteria as quickly as he could. He got back in record time, but John was giving Gamzee a strange look when he came back. He sighed, dropping into his seat. He reminded himself to ask John what Gamzee said next time they were alone. Karkat began to dig into his lunch when he heard Gamzee behind him.

“Same. I was telling this mother fucker here how it was fate that your lives were to intertwine.”

“Will you stop going on about that? Anyways, I still can't believe that you're even. Fucking. Taller. Seriously, what the hell? Isn't that stuff you smoke supposed to stunt your growth?” Gamzee just shrugged, walking over to Karkat as he was taking a bite of some food and patting his back, causing him to splutter and give Gamzee a stare that would burn a hole in iron. Gamzee just gave him another smile, the asshole.

“I've got to run, brothers. Catch you later on the mother fuckin' miracle train.” Karkat gave a grunt around his food, John waving as Gamzee slinked off campus.

Where is he going?

“I've honestly stopped asking. Don't worry about it.” John still looked worried. “You did just see that same seven-foot tall monster I just did, right? Whatever he gets into in his free time, I'm sure he can handle himself.” John nodded. A minute passed as they ate their lunch.

So... romcoms, huh? ;)

Karkat could feel his cheeks warming. “John, I swear to fucking God.”

 

 

As Karkat got to know John even further over the course of the next month, John invited Karkat over to his house multiple times. The first time, John had made sure to fill Karkat in on the walk there.

First: are you allergic to anything?

“No. Why?”

my dad loves to bake, and he'll probably shove a cake in your mouth the second you step inside, so I just want to make sure you won't die or anything.

“Thanks, how nice of you.”

Also, my dad and I learned sigh language so we can talk without wasting a whole bunch of paper, so just sit tight and try not too feel to awkward :p

“Um, okay.”

Also, we're going to be watching all of the action movies. All of them :)

Karkat groaned. “I honestly don't understand how you can watch that mindless drivel for hours on end. Numbingly loud explosions, crappy dialogue. Someone really needs to educate you on your taste in cinema.” John almost-giggled, something he was beginning to do on a daily basis. Karkat didn't exactly see what was so funny, but then again, he wasn't going to complain, either.

John's dad opened the door before they'd gotten to it, revealing a man in a business suit wearing a fedora, a news paper under his arm.

“John, you're home. And you're Karkat, I presume?” John's dad held out a hand which Karkat hesitantly took, his own completely enveloped in a firm handshake. John rolled his eyes and pushed him inside, while John's dad vanished into what Karkat guessed was the kitchen. He came out with two big plates, both of them holding a gargantuan slice of vanilla cake and a fork. John grabbed the plates, pulled Karkat upstairs, and closed the door before Karkat even had the time to blink, the sound of a “Have fun!” trailing up behind them. Before he knew it, he was standing in John's bedroom.

A bed was pushed on one side, the TV directly on the other. The computer was on the wall to the left of the door, with another door he guessed was either a bathroom or a closet beyond that.

John instantly set the plates down on the bed and gravitated to the cabinets under the TV. While he shuffled through tons of DVD cases, Karkat let his gaze wander some more around the room before it settled on the computer screen.

The screen was on, with various icons scattered throughout the desktop. He almost missed the yellow symbol tucked away at the very bottom, hidden in the orange explosion of a garish Nic Cage wallpaper. Was that... Pesterchum? Karkat's brows furrowed. Didn't John say he didn't have a Chum handle, though? He shook out his head, turning around so his friend wouldn't find him snooping. Whatever the reason, he would just... not worry about it. It was probably nothing anyway, and soon he was too busy complaining about John's movie choice to think about anything else.

Another time Karkat had visited was on a particularly hot day. The second both of them had gotten upstairs, John had peeled off his jacket to reveal a Ghostbusters T-shirt. John flopped down on the bed, giving him a “what?” raised eyebrow look as Karkat stood there.

“It's official, ladies and gentlemen. John Egbert has taken off the jacket, I repeat, he's taken of the jacket, this is not a drill. Someone call the press, the public needs to know.” John rolled his eyes, his face reddening as he sat up to reach for the TV remote. It was a quick movement, but Karkat was still able to see them. Scars. A small patch of rows of white, shiny skin on the inside of John's arm. 

Karkat felt something twist painfully inside of him as he quickly looked forward to the TV. Of all things, “self harm” was never something he'd put on the list of Stupid Things John Egbert Has Done. But, did he honestly expect to know his best friends deepest, darkest secrets after only a little more than 3 weeks of knowing each other? Of all the thoughts going through Karkat's head, there were two things he knew for sure; those scars made him very, very sad, and he wanted to punch whoever the fuck had made John feel like that. And possibly even more than those things, he wanted to hug him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and let John know that he'd die before he'd let John hurt himself again, he'd help him through whatever problems he could, but instead he was sitting shell-shocked on a bed trying to pull himself together, because he knew if he tried any of that he'd be getting into some deep shit that John probably wasn't comfortable sharing.

It was when they were playing some horror game that Karkat couldn't remember the name of that he he threw down his controller in disgust after he was killed for the hundredth time. He groaned in frustration and leaned back against the bed. He didn't really understand why he did what he did when he said, “Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.” There was so much tension building inside him – arguing with online friends about something extremely stupid, his discovery from earlier – that he let out the angry words without a second thought.

John instantly froze up beside him, his controller dropping from his hands. John turned, giving Karkat a pained look that said everything, ignoring the screams of his character on the screen as it was being ripped apart. _No. Don't._ Karkat slapped his hand onto his face. Again.

“Fuck. I'm sorry. Forget I said that. Just frustrated. Fuck.” John picked up his controller, giving Karkat a side-ways glance until Karkat picked up his. Thanks, brain. You always know just the right thing to say. Judging from his reaction, John probably lost someone close to him. Fuck, what if that was the cause of all this shit? Beating himself up in his head, he tried (and failed) to stop thinking about it.

When Karkat got back home that night, he opened his computer and hovered his mouse over on of the Chum handles. He should know better. Going to her was just asking to be picked apart, but he didn't really know what else to do, and he knew better than to internalize all this shit. Most of the time. Sighing, he clicked and began to type.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8:36 - -

CG: NORMALLY YOU WOULDN'T BE MY FIRST CHOICE WHEN IT CAME TO TALKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS, BUT SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS I HAVEN'T PISSED OFF LATELY, I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE.  
CG: SO AS SOON YOU'RE READY.  
TT: I assume you mean for me to take this as a compliment?  
CG: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN, LALONDE.  
TT: Yes, I suppose I do.  
TT: You know I'm always willing to help a friend through any mental struggle.  
TT: What are you having a problem with?  
CG: OK.  
CG: CONTRARY TO WHAT MOST OF MY FRIENDS ONLINE SEEM TO BELIEVE IS THE LIMIT OF MY SOCIAL PROWESS, I MANAGED TO MAKE A FRIEND OF A NEW STUDENT AT MY SCHOOL.  
CG: BUT I THINK HE'S BEEN LYING ABOUT SOME STUFF.  
TT: Does he really owe it to you to share all of his secrets?  
CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.  
CG: NORMALLY I WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT,  
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT THE DETAILS OF EVERYONE'S PAST.  
CG: “OH, PLEASE TELL ME SOME MORE ABOUT YOUR VARIOUS ROMANCE PROBLEMS, AND HOW YOU WERE NEGLECTED AS A CHILD.”  
CG: “WHAT? YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU JUST MET A SECRET YOU HAVEN'T SHARED WITH YOUR CLOSEST CHUM? HOW COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED!”  
CG: BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY GETTING ME KIND OF WORRIED.  
TT: How so?  
CG: FIRST OFF, WHEN I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A CHUM HANDLE, HE TOLD ME NO,   
CG: BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT HIS COMPUTER   
TT: You looked at his computer?  
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS SNOOPING. HE LEFT IT ON AND I JUST SORT OF * HAPPENED* TO SEE THAT HE HAD PESTERCHUM INSTALLED.  
CG: BUT I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. IT'S NOT A BIG FUCKING DEAL.  
CG: BUT THEN I SAW SOMETHING THAT SORT OF MADE ME FLIP MY SHIT.  
TT: ?  
CG: OK, THIS GUY IS ALWAYS WEARING A JACKET.  
CG: EVEN WHEN IT'S 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE.  
CG: AND ON SUCH ONE 100 DEGREE DAY, HE INVITED ME OVER TO HIS HOUSE, WHERE HE TOOK OFF SAID JACKET.  
CG: GOD JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS MAKES ME ANGRY  
CG: OK  
CG: WHEN HE TOOK OFF THE JACKET, I SORT OF TEASED HIM ABOUT IT.  
CG: BUT WHEN HE WAS REACHING FOR SOMETHING, I SAW HE HAD  
CG: SCARS.  
CG: ON HIS ARM.  
TT: …  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Nothing.  
CG: DON'T “NOTHING” ME, LALONDE.  
CG: THOSE ELEPSIS ALWAYS MEAN SOMETHING WITH YOU.  
CG: I'VE SPENT TOO MANY YEARS PUTTING UP WITH YOUR PSYCHO BABLLE BULLSHIT TO LET YOU FOOL ME LIKE THAT.  
TT: You just seem to be really worried about this.  
CG: OF FUCKING COURSE I'M WORRIED ABOUT THIS.  
CG: I JUST FOUND OUT MY BEST FRIEND SELF HARMED, WHOM I MIGHT JUST HAVE TRIGGERED TODAY WITH SOMETHING PROFOUNDLY STUPID I LET OUT OF MY MOUTH FOR SOME REASON I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND,   
CG: GOD PAST ME IS SUCH AN IDIOT,  
CG: AND I CAN'T EVEN REALLY TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT,  
CG: EVEN IF I WANTED TO.  
TT: From that vague comment you just made, I'll assume you're not giving me all of the details here, so I'll try to give you the best advice I can with the limited data.  
TT: It's obvious your friend was, or is, suffering from some form of depression, which I might very tentatively suggest was caused by a trauma that may or may not be related to Pesterchum in some way.   
TT: In these cases, there's really nothing you can do other than talk to them about it, suggest therapy and/or medical treatment, or help them through it by being there for them when they need you.  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: IT'S JUST.  
CG: I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING ELSE.  
CG: BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE,  
CG: AND THIS KID'S ALREADY SCREWED UP AS IT IS.  
TT: Well, in any case, I'll be here if you feel you need to talk some more about it.  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: I GUESS THIS WASN'T A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME.  
TT: :)  
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY GO BEFORE MY BROTHER COMES UP HERE SPOUTING SOME MORE ABOUT HIS VARIOUS ATTEMPTS AT MARTYRDOM.  
CG: SEE YOU AROUND, LALONDE.  
TT: Goodbye.  
TT: We can talk about the real reason you're so concerned for this “friend's” well-being later.   
TT: ;)  
CG: SHIT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8:47 - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any ooc moments :/ also, I think me ending a chapter/part on karkat swearing is a thing. yes. i don't know why, it just seems like the perfect part to end a section!! 
> 
> again, questions/comments/suggestions are welcome~! see ya, loves ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm, rather short, but oh well!

It was next week when John asked if he wanted to sleep over.

I asked my dad about it and he said it was okay, so if you don't have anything to do for the weekend we can hang out?

“Yes. Hell yes. Hell fucking yes. We're doing this, man. We're making it happen.”

/ / /

John's dad had left overnight for a business meeting, which left Karkat kind of humbled when he realized that he was basically trusting him with his son. Then, the dreaded movie marathon began. It became obvious to Karkat as he got to know John that he was surprisingly touch-y for someone who seemed to carry around so much secret emotional baggage; always pulling Karkat after him or bumping shoulders, even the occasional greeting hug. Karkat was painfully aware of their shoulders pushed together as John lost himself in explosion after explosion on the screen. He tried to ignore the heat rising to his face every time John leaned to him, until he just decided on ignoring it. Come on, it's John we're talking about here; knowing him this is probably how he normally acts. 

After what seemed like an eternity of bad action flicks and teasingly short romcom breaks – for Karkat's sanity, of course – they'd both settled to sleep on the floor. Neither had been willing to take the bed, insisting that the other have it instead, until both of them had settled on the compromise.

Karkat had fallen asleep within a minute of resting his head down on the pillow, dreaming of stars and strange creatures and a bright, green light. After what could have been a thousand moments or a thousand years, he heard a sound, muffled as if coming from somewhere far away, becoming clearer as he emerged drowsily from sleep. Within a second he realized the distant sound was right next to him, and all drowsiness was gone as the sound of John's scream pushed against the walls. After a millisecond of panic, Karkat forced his limbs to move and shake John awake.

“John! Fucking hell, John wake up! It's okay!” John shot up, scrambling half-way across the room as he registered Karkat's hands touching his shoulders. He looked around wildly, one arm raised as his eyes finally found Karkat. John's whole body shuddered as Karkat scooted slowly towards John. 

“Shh, John, it's okay. It was just a nightmare, everything is okay. It's fine, I promise.” Karkat tried to talk as smoothly as possible, as if John was a wounded animal, trying to calm him down. The second Karkat was close enough, John threw his arms around Karkat's shoulders, his breath hitching as he broke into sobs. Karkat stiffened in surprise for a moment before he lowered his arms against John's back, tightening his grip as John's shoulders shook. His breath came out in heavy, labored gasps, almost whimpering. Shit, what happened? What could he have dreamed about that caused him to react like, well, this? As John's shivering slowly subsided, Karkat shifted his friend in front of him, looking into John's tear-streaked face. 

“John, what the hell happened? Don't tell me if you don't want to, but... what the hell were you dreaming about?” 

Earlier that day, John had insisted on teaching Karkat snippets of sign language. Cat, dog, house, food, paper, pen. Karkat had stumbled through it, feeling a little awkward as he tried to think of any situation where he would ever need to know any of this. But he'd stuttered along for John's sake, even if only for the smiles he got every time he screwed up.

But it didn't take any of that for Karkat to understand the movement John made. The meaning was universal when John poked Karkat's chest with a trembling finger, before moving back to wrap his arms around him again.

You.

“Oh... Shit. I'm sorry. God, I'm such a prick, even in people's dreams-” A slight squeeze from John let Karkat know he wanted him to shut up “Right. Sorry.” The nightmare was about... him? Karkat furrowed his brows as he tried to understand what was going on, without success. Whatever the case, John was obviously taking comfort in the contact, so Karkat wasn't about to let go. He gently nudged John back to the foot of the bed where they could sit more comfortably. John instantly shifted back, still trembling and looking basically like shit. Every time John started to tremble again, Karkat would say as gently as possible, “I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I promise.” John slowly started to slump into Karkat's shoulder, the events from earlier seeming to take their toll. Before long, John's breathing settled into a regular rhythm, his eyes closed and his face pressed against Karkat's chest. Karkat shifted around slightly, feeling a little awkward with John lying half on top of him. He sighed as he looked into his sleeping friend's face, and slowly brought one hand up to wipe away an almost-dry tear still making its way down John's face. 

Karkat rested his head against the bed, closing his eyes. It looked like he was stuck here for the night. John was an idiot, but there was no denying the fear and panic he'd felt when John had scrambled away from him. Karkat let his mind drift, feeling his eyes go heavy as he fell asleep, John's firm weight at his side. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

 

> ==>Karkat: Be John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, poor john. night terrors are horrible. i had one not too long ago and trust me ;_; this is pretty much exactly how i reacted. karkat, you may try to act all tough but we all know you're a softie! ;)
> 
> Sometimes i feel like i advance the plot too fast? Idk. After this there'll be a brief intermission and then we're onto john's pov for pretty much the rest of the story! hang on tight kiddos, this is gonna be a fun ride ;3
> 
> (also, i ended up writing a character analysis on how i feel mute!john is different from mute!dave and mute!karkat, the three most popular mute! fics. So check that out if you're interested or smthin.)


	4. Gamzee: Be the Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait, dears! Some 'minor' announcements at the end? This is a very brief intermission but i like it! :D

Gamzee knew the moment he set eyes on the kid. The way he bit his lip nervously, the jacket he wore to shield himself from whatever the world could throw at him. This was a kid who had lived too much, and in all the wrong ways. So when Karkat rushed off in a big, angry huff like he always did, Gamzee used the time to his advantage.

“Looks like I'm not the only poor motherfucker to be screwed up in the head.” The kid named John looked up at him apprehensively, his face twisting up into a look of thinly-veiled panic and confusion. “Karkat, as good of a bro as he is, doesn't see it,” Gamzee brought a hand up to his head under his thick hair, tapping a finger against his temple as he smiled. “But all of us broken mother fuckers can see it a mile away.” John's eyes were still wide, silent. “You up and decided to stop lettin' any brother in, for whatever fucked up reason the universe decided to throw at you. I have to inhale the sweet smoke and let the flow take me where I need to be,” he leaned in, widening his eyes a little, “Or I go mother fuckin' insane.” Gamzee let out a chuckle, stretching his arms as he let John catch up.

“The thing about Karbro is he can say somethin' without up and knowing what he's letting slip through his think pan, so when he says somethin' that he doesn't realize means somethin', it's best to just forgive the brother.” John nodded slowly, looking like he was past questioning anything now, which was just as well since his best bro in the whole mother fuckin' world was already on his way back.

After a few moments, Gamzee dismissed himself, turning around and leaving the campus. If he didn't have a constant dose of medication, the results would be....less than a good time. He would leave it up to John to decide if he wanted to use the slip of paper he'd given him. He knew only too much how hard it was to keep faith in the miracles when there was no one to talk to or understand. So he would wait. And if John needed someone while Karbro was being his usual oblivious self, he would be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok announcement time!
> 
> 1) It's not my intention to do anything with this that will hurt anyone, so if something like that happens please let me know!
> 
> 2) wowow you guys are so gr9
> 
> 3) I just started school and it looks like I'll be moving too, so please be patient angels and I'll try to update when I get the chance!!
> 
> 4) I do have plans to a second part of this fic already. However, there are minor plot points that I might need some help ironing out, so if you don't mind spoilers and dealing with me then it would be much appreciated!
> 
> 5) If you're interested at all in helping and/or just talking, you can find me at pinkycry.tumblr.com. :)


	5. Be John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we get John's point of the story! Now we get to find up what this kid is all about.

You are now John.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 4:13 - -

TG: sup  
GT: uh  
GT: hi?  
GT: excuse me but who is this?  
TG: i am shocked  
TG: did I really make such a small impression that you dont remember me even a little?  
TG: shame on you, john. And I thought we were friends.  
GT: i'm sorry, but I really don't remember you :(  
GT: who are you again??  
TG: its dave bro  
TG: dave? Does that ring any bells?  
TG: even a tiny one?  
GT: uh, no   
GT: should it?  
TG: no, we only talked for forever and were best palhonchos until you just disappeared on me faster than twinkies in colorado. I thought maybe youd forgotten so I decided to check up on you  
TG: looks like my suspicions stand confirmed  
TG: shaaaame  
GT: :l  
GT: will you stop that!  
GT: I'm sorry dude, but I haven't been on pesterchum in a while.  
GT: so it's not really my fault if I don't remember you.  
TG: it's all cool. It just means I get to reintroduce you to the awesomeness that is dave strider  
TG: it is me  
TG: chicks be hangin on me like nobodys business  
TG: the art of my lyrical persuasion makes people fall to their knees and weep with rapture  
GT: so what were we talking about?  
TG: huh?  
GT: you said before that we were talking. What were we talking about??  
TG: oh, you were just going on about some lame actor. Nick something  
GT: hey, Nic Cage is great!!! :(  
TG: yeah, sure  
TG: anyways, I just wanted to get back in touch  
TG: things were getting a little lonely without my best bro to keep me company  
GT: hehe :)  
TG: see you around bro  
GT: bye dave!

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 4: 16 - -

 

John clicked out of the window, sitting back against his seat. He really couldn't remember any “dave” guy, but it wasn't too big a leap to suggest that he'd forgotten. He'd stopped going on pesterchum as much lately, so it would've been a while since he talked to anyone on there. 

“John, dinner's ready!” Oh, Dad was calling him.

“Coming, Dad!” John rushed downstairs to the smell of home-made pizza and smiled.

///

 

\- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 5:20 - -

GT: dave?  
TG: yo  
GT: oh cool, you're online! :)  
TG: where else would I be?  
TG: I practically live online when im not participating in some awesome strife with my bro  
TG: who else would supply the raging masses with their insatiable need for the sweet irony that is sweet bro and hella jeff?  
GT: ??  
TG: it looks like you now have the pleasure to be newly christened in its glory  
TG: look it up when you have the chance and be prepared to cry tears of joy when you find out what youve been missing out on  
GT: i'm looking it up right now!  
TG: oh  
TG: ok  
GT: wow, haha, this is pretty funny!  
TG: I would be flattered if it werent for the fact that its not supposed to be funny  
GT: what's that supposed to mean?!  
TG: sbahj were created to be the height of the ironic masteries  
TG: to call that funny is just  
TG: offensive, egderp  
GT: :(  
GT: don't call me that.  
GT: anyways, I should show this to Rose! She'd probably be able to understand it better than me.  
GT: I'm not really good with this kind of stuff anyways, hehe  
TG: yeah, you probably shouldnt do that  
GT: why not??  
TG: shed probably just snark on it or something  
GT: how do you know!  
GT: you don't know rose  
TG: whatever bro, it's your choice  
TG: oh shit  
TG: looks like our heart felt reunion will have to be saved for another day  
TG: my bro is looking for a strife match right as we speak  
TG: or type or whatever its called  
GT: ok dave, see you later :)

\- turntechGodhead [TC] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 5:22 - -

 

A couple minutes of internal debate later, John clicked on Rose's Chum handle.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 5:30 - -

GT: hey rose! :)  
TT: Hello, John.  
TT: How are you today?  
GT: I'm good. How're things with you?  
TT: While things are never as good as the could be, they seem to be content to stay on a relatively monotone chord as of late, causing a rather calm mood that is a good change from the usual.  
GT: that's cool :)  
GT: I made a new friend yesterday!  
TT: Oh? And who would this friend be? An acquaintance of yours at school?  
GT: No, I met him on Pesterchum.  
GT: He seems like a really cool guy!  
GT: his name is dave.  
GT: I can give you his chum handle if you want!  
TT: That would be swell.

John promptly sent Rose Dave's Chum handle, head buzzing with excitement at the thought of adding another friend to his circle. Jade would be so excited! They could all talk about movies and Dave's comic and now they would have another person to include in their plans for saving up money to visit each other. It would be so cool. John sighed as his dad called for him. 

GT: sorry rose, but dad is calling me for dinner  
GT: I'll talk to you later!  
TT: Goodbye, John.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 5:32 - -

TT: …

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 5:32 - -

John hummed as he took the stairs down to the kitchen two at a time, zooming past the living room to help finish setting up the plates as his dad brought out a lasagna from the oven. He was bouncing in his seat as his dad set a generous helping onto John's plate before serving himself, both of them sitting down and picking up their forks. John noticed Dad eyeing him under his fedora that he wore as John cut into his food still bouncing, the thought of meeting his friends exciting him more every second he thought of it. 

“Excited about something, John?” John flashed his dad a wide smile, earning him a smaller one in  
return. 

“I just really want to see my friends! I met this really cool guy named Dave who is like SUPER AWESOME even though I've only known him for two days but that's still totally cool because we're best bros and...” John's dad listened bemusedly as John continued to blab about his friends, occasionally cutting into his food with a fork and nodding every once in a while to ensure his son that yes, he was still paying attention. John quickly devoured his portion between talking and taking breaks for breathing, then moved to help his dad clean up. At one point John had to stop talking for a second to make room for a yawn, and Dad ruffled his hair and said, “Son, I am so proud of you for making another friend. I know how hard it can be to do that these days. However, I'm sure that he can wait for you until you wake up tomorrow.” John nodded blearily, climbing the stairs heavily before changing into his pajamas. He went to sleep that night dreaming of smiles and laughter among friends and everything seemed right. 

/ / / 

GT: I still think we should meet up at my house!  
GT: it's easier to get to than your little island, and since dave lives in texas it'll be easier to get here for all of us than to go to rose's house.  
GG: …  
GT: plus I just kinda want us all to meet here. It seems right, you know?  
GG: …  
GT: Jade  
GG: oh sorry!  
GT: what is it with you and rose lately?  
GT: you've been doing those dot things a lot   
GG: no we havent!! :p  
GG: you must be imagining things!  
GT: …  
GT: darn it, now you got me doing them! :l  
GT: whatever  
GT I just really can't wait for you guys to come over! It'll be so cool!!!!!!!!  
GG: until you prank us again! >:l  
GT: geez, I said I was sorry for that already! I didn't mean for you to take it so seriously  
GT: how about this  
GT: I, john egbert, hereby promise that I am not and will not be planning any pranks that will be played out against jade, rose, and dave.  
GT: happy?  
GG: …  
GT: …  
GG: oh, sorry! Yeah I guess thats ok :p  
GT: good  
GT: I try to never turn up a good prank, but I can still hold back when it comes to keeping a friendship together  
GT: I don't know what i'd do if one of my jokes ever put any of us apart :/  
GT: jade?  
GT: jade you there?  
GG: oh yeah sorry john  
GG: bec was just trying to get my attention  
GG: I should probably cook him up something before he gets antsy  
GG: see ya john

\--gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 6:30 - -

GT: …   
GT: bye   
GT: I guess.

\- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 6:30 - -

/ / / 

\- - ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8:21 - -

GT: hey rose?  
TT: Yes, John?  
GT: can I ask you a question?  
TT: You can always ask me anything John.  
TT: We are friends, after all.  
GT: hehe, yeah :)  
GT: anyways, I was wondering...  
GT: is jade mad at me or something?  
TT: Why would you think that?  
GT: because for the last couple of weeks she hasn't responded to a lot of my messages  
GT: and when she does, she always gives me some excuse and then says she has to do something  
GT: and i've been thinking about what I could've said that set her off  
GT: but I can't really think of anything :/  
TT: Are you so sure that it's you she's angry at?  
TT: For all you know, it could be something completely unrelated.  
GT: yeah, but...  
GT: idk, she's just been acting sorta weird.   
GT: actually, now that I think about it, she only acts like that after I mention dave.  
TT: …  
GT: did they get in a fight or something?  
GT: did he say something to her? He did didn't he!  
GT: i'm gonna kill him!!!  
TT: John.  
GT: what?  
TT: I can assure you that is not the case.  
GT: what? how do you know?  
TT: …  
GT: did she tell you about it?  
TT: …  
GT: rose?  
TT: I really shouldn't say.  
GT: come on rose, you're starting to get me really worried!  
GT: did something happen?  
GT: is she sick??  
GT: is bec ok????  
GT: rose don't leave me hanging like this, just tell me already!!!!!  
TT: Fine. I made her promise not to say anything about this, but this time it's me not keeping up my side of the deal.  
GT: what deal???  
TT: It has to do with your first choice.  
GT: what, dave? I knew it! He is so in trouble! >:l  
TT: John, you don't have to do that anymore. The jig, as they would say it, is up.  
GT: what are you talking about?  
TT: Both of us know.   
GT: know what?  
TT: That this Dave character isn't real.  
GT: rose, what are you talking about? Of course dave is real! I gave you his chum handle and showed you his comic and everything!  
TT: As you seem to be trying to hold onto this until the end, I'll elaborate further.  
TT: When I tried to find the Chum handle “turntechGodhead” on the chat client, it showed that there are no accounts currently with that name.

What?

TT: Once you gave me the link to the comic, I searched it to find that the domain name was unclaimed, nor were there any past records.

No way.

TT: When Jade talked to me we both realized it was just another of your jokes, and we both agreed to play along until you got bored or decided to reveal it to us.

==> Search: sweet bro and hella jeff

Results: no results found

TT: But Jade was starting to get a little concerned with the resiliency that you displayed when it came to insisting on Dave's existence, especially when you started including him in our plans, so she felt she could no longer talk to you and not say something about it.

==> Search: turntechGodhead

Results: no results found

John switched over to his chat-logs with Dave, feeling numb. 

\- Pesterlogs between ghostyTrickster [GT] and [user not found] \- -

GT: uh [message could not be sent]  
GT: hi? [message could not be sent]  
GT: excuse me but who is this? [message could not be sent]  
GT: i'm sorry, but I really don't remember you :( [message could not be sent]  
GT: who are you again?? [message could not be sent]  
GT: uh, no [message could not be sent]  
GT: should it? [message could not be sent]  
GT: :l [message could not be sent]  
GT: will you stop that! [message could not be sent]  
GT: I'm sorry dude, but I haven't been on pesterchum in a while. [message could not be sent]  
GT: so it's not really my fault if I don't remember you. [message could not be sent]  
GT: so what were we talking about? [message could not be sent]  
GT: you said before that we were talking. What were we talking about?? [message could not be sent]  
GT: hey, Nic Cage is great!!! :( [message could not be sent]  
GT: hehe :) [message could not be sent]  
GT: bye dave! [message could not be sent]

GT: dave? [message could not be sent]  
GT: oh cool, you're online! :) [message could not be sent]  
GT: ?? [message could not be sent]  
GT: i'm looking it up right now! [message could not be sent]  
GT: wow, haha, this is pretty funny! [message could not be sent]  
GT: what's that supposed to mean?! [message could not be sent]  
GT: :( [message could not be sent]  
GT: don't call me that. [message could not be sent]  
GT: anyways, I should show this to Rose! She'd probably be able to understand it better than me. [message could not be sent]  
GT: I'm not really good with this kind of stuff anyways, hehe [message could not be sent]  
GT: why not?? [message could not be sent]  
GT: how do you know! [message could not be sent]  
GT: you don't know rose [message could not be sent]  
GT: ok dave, see you later :) [message could not be sent]

GT: so, how did it go? [message could not be sent]  
GT: mmhm ;) [message could not be sent]  
GT: he totally beat your butt didn't he? [message could not be sent]  
GT: no!! [message could not be sent]  
GT: hehe I knew it! [message could not be sent]  
GT: lil cal? [message could not be sent]

It was gone. All of it. Everything that Dave had sent him wasn't there. Or... was it even there in the first place? No, it had to be! He wasn't crazy! Only crazy people would think that someone would exist when they didn't. And he wasn't crazy.

Right?

TT: John?  
GT: wow  
GT: I told him I was into pranks, I didn't think he'd go this far!  
GT: dude, everything is just  
GT: GONE!  
GT: he really needs to teach me how to do that!  
GT: he's probably, like, a super awesome hacker or something!  
TT: …  
GT: or maybe he's actually a war-weary government spy taking a break from the stress of having to assassinate villains for justice!  
GT: wow, that would be so cool  
GT: or is it you guys?  
GT: oh my gosh, it is!!  
GT: I knew it was only a matter of time before you got me back for the last one!  
GT: dave is in on this too isn't he?  
GT: man, you sure got me good!! :)  
TT: John.  
GT: because i'm not crazy right?  
GT: right.  
GT: and only crazy people make things up!  
GT: and dave is 100 percent definitely real

John searched over the chat log, scrolling up and down. Any second the red text would pop up, because Pesterchum was probably glitching. Text disappeared from the logs all the time! It would only be a matter of time, because it was a glitch. Dave would come back and say that Pesterchum just couldn't handle how chill his rhymes are and everything would go back to normal. He stopped scrolling when red text caught his eye.

TG: I warned you bro  
TG: see you around

Just as quickly, it was gone, like it wasn't even... there. John sat limp in his chair, his breath hitching. He brought his hands up to the keyboard after a minute, responding to Rose's text as it piled up.

TT: John.  
GT: because i'm not crazy right?  
GT: right.  
GT: and only crazy people make things up!  
GT: and dave is 100percent definitely real  
TT: John, do you meaning to say you've actually been talking to this Dave?  
TT: Every time I've looked up any information you've given me the search has been fruitless.  
TT: There are no records of this person.  
TT: John, please respond.  
TT: You're starting to worry me.  
TT: John, I promise that whatever is going on, we will get you through this.  
TT: Just please respond.  
TT: Do you want me to get Jade, John?  
TT: I swear I will get Jade, and she will not be half as nice as I am.  
GT: uh, no  
GT: i'm   
GT: fine  
GT: just uh  
GT: I gotta go  
TT: Wait, John,

\- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 8: 32 - -

TT: oh no

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 8:33 - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see it? Did you see it coming? Is it totally lame? Yes. Yes it is. But I love it so sush. 
> 
> In case you're wondering what Dave was "saying" at the last part of the logs, here you go!
> 
> GT: so, how did it go?  
> TG: i kicked his ass like you wouldnt believe  
> GT: mmhm ;)  
> TG: what the fuck is that supposed to mean  
> GT: he totally beat your butt didn't he?  
> TG: fuck you egderp  
> TG: do you really doubt me so much  
> TG: do i mean so little to you  
> GT: no!!  
> TG: sucks for you cuz you wouldve been right  
> TG: bro gave me a beating  
> GT: hehe i knew it!  
> TG: what else was going to happen he had lil cal with him  
> TG: bro only takes that fucking puppet out when he means business  
> GT: lil cal?
> 
> and then they talk more and be fake bros into eternity
> 
> sorry if i fucked up the formatting a little? It's kind of a lot of logs to cover!! :S


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys can deal with one more chapter today, yes? :)

After three doctor visits, it was decided that nothing was wrong with John's throat. After four therapists, where he said nothing and whoever was in the other chair only got nods and head-shakes to determine his mental state, and two child psychologists who got exactly the same, it was recorded that no strange man ever touched him, he'd never gone to sleep and woken up in a strange place, and it became evident to John's Dad that whatever was troubling his son was not physical in nature. After two months, it was clear that John was not willing to communicate about it.

Breakfast that morning had been bacon, hash-browns, and toast, because John hated eggs. He'd very clearly stated before that “Eggs are the worst things to ever have decided to exist ever!”, probably due to the fact that he shared part of a name with them and some children were prone to teasing him about it. Dad had chuckled about it when he'd made the breakfast, calling his son's name when it was ready. When he didn't come down after five minutes, he went up to check. Still in bed. He closed the door softly, heading back downstairs to wrap up the food for later. He'd let him sleep in for now; it was a Saturday after all.

Dad put down the pipe he never never actually smoked with when it got to ten a.m. John had always been a naturally early riser. Whenever he slept for more that fourteen hours it usually meant he was sick. He climbed the stairs one at a time, pushing the door open to John staring at the ceiling, his glasses on. That was strange. Had he been wearing them all night? 

“John, are you feeling alright?” John turned his head to look at him when he sat on the bed, and he brought his hand up to John's forehead. Not warm.

“Is something the matter, son?” John hesitated a moment before he shrugged, turning back to look at the ceiling. Yes, something was definitely wrong.

“Are you not feeling well? Do you need to go to the doctor?” John shook his head. He could tell his son wasn't going to say anything for now. “Well, at least come down and eat some breakfast.” John nodded. His brow creased, Dad got up and went back to the kitchen to re-heat the food. John didn't come down until after it was on the table, sitting in his seat and staring at his food absently. After a while of this, Dad could tell it was useless.

“John, why don't you go back to bed? I can handle things down here.” John looked up and nodded, heading back up the stairs. Yes, something was definitely wrong. Not once had John ever passed up food. There had never been a time when he'd shuffled up the stairs, one at a time. All day that day, Dad tried to figure it out. Was he sick? Did he get in a fight with one of his friends? What could affect an thirteen-year-old so much?

Three doctors, four therapists, two child psychologists and two months later, Dad sat on the bed next to his son. Without looking at him, John handed him the notebook that he now always kept by his side.

i'm sorry

“John.” Dad waited until John look up, his jaws tight and eyes watery. There was something he needed to say.

“Son, I am so proud of you.” John looked at him in blank shock. Did he really expect him to say anything else? Dad pulled him into a hug, holding onto his son as his shoulders began to shake. “I don't know what happened, and I can't pretend to understand what it feels like, but I will always be here for you and I am so, so proud of you. You are my son and nothing will ever change that.” They stayed like that for a while, John crying onto his shoulder and making the first sound he had in months, but it only made Dad sad because it was wrong. A few minutes later John pulled away, lifting his glasses and wiping the tears out of his eyes. Dad smiled at him and John smiled softly back, taking the notebook and scribbling,

Can we go downstairs? i'm kind of hungry

Dad chuckled before standing up, leading John down to the kitchen. “Yeah, me too.”

 

/ / /

 

John was awake when his dad called him for breakfast, when he opened and closed the door softly. He hadn't gone to sleep at all that night. Every time he closed his eyes the only thing he could see was red, red, and red. So he'd stayed up, and it seemed far to soon for Dad to be calling his name. Maybe he wasn't. Whatever, he didn't have the energy to go down there anyways. He couldn't think of his dad without feeling nauseous, he couldn't think of food without feeling nauseous, he couldn't think without feeling nauseous. How ever long it took later, he moved on his back, staring at the ceiling. What are ceilings? Maybe I imagined them. What would happen if I reached out to touch it? I don't care.

He didn't notice his dad had come into the room until he felt the pressure at his side. His hand was on his forehead and he could feel it, so yeah, he was there. Was something wrong? He shrugged. I don't know. Ok, I'll go downstairs. Once his dad was out the door, he sat up, feeling the blood rush out of his head and feeling his vision go black before it slowly returned again. The food was already on the table when he got down there. He sat at the chair but couldn't bring himself to put the food in his mouth. He wasn't really hungry. He went back up when his dad told him to. Maybe now he could actually get some sleep. Yeah, right.

Every time he tried to talk, he couldn't. He could tell that he could, but... he couldn't. What if they could tell from your voice? What if he said something without meaning to? What if he ended up talking to something that wasn't even there, but he was so crazy that he didn't realize it and they put him somewhere where he wouldn't scare everyone? What if they took him away from Dad? What if... Dad didn't want him anymore? So he stopped talking. Maybe then it would be easier to keep other people from getting hurt.

Dad took him to a couple doctors, where they shined a flashlight in his mouth and took an x-ray and other things he didn't remember. He didn't really listen to what they were saying except when they were telling him what to do. It didn't matter anyway – there wasn't anything wrong with him. Not with his body, at least. When his dad took him to a therapist, he thought it was kind of silly for him to be asking him all of these questions, but he answered them anyways. Did he ever go anywhere with strangers? No, Dad taught him better than that. Did his head ever get fuzzy? Only when he fell off the swing that one time; but he didn't think that was what they were talking about, so he shook his head. His dad even took him to some special doctors, but it got boring after a while. Eventually, his dad stopped making him go. 

One night while sitting in his room, John could feel everything go quiet. The air felt thick, heavy. Was he real? Who was to say that he was so broken that he even made that up. He felt like he couldn't breathe. It was like he'd just run in P.E and he couldn't catch his breath. He rushed to the bathroom. He couldn't feel anything, what if he wasn't there, whatifwhatifwhatif. He yanked on the handle for the sink, the air suffocating him. After a few moments he shoved his hand under the faucet. The hot water burned at his skin like needles, and slowly he could feel himself coming back. He yanked his hand back with a hiss, ow that was hot! But he was okay. He was there. He was there and he could feel and it was okay.

Every time he felt like he would choke on nothing, like he was about to pass out from a lack of something he couldn't identify, he went to the bathroom and put his hand under the running water. After a while, though, it didn't work anymore. His hand was under the water and it was as hot as it could go but it just didn't hurt enough, it couldn't make him feel, like he was fading. If he didn't do something he was going to suffocate. He found the razor in the drawer (Son, soon it will be time when you'll be one step closer to being a man) and he brought his shoe down on it, cracking the plastic around the blade so he could get it out. He deliberated for a moment with it resting over his skin, but when the room around him spun he brought it quickly down, feeling the sting as blood welled up. Things snapped back into focus and he let out a breath. He brought out a rag – not white – from under the sink and pressed it against the cut. He didn't like it. He didn't like that this was the only way for him to feel real, but if he didn't he could feel himself floating away and he was more scared of that than he was of what he was doing to himself.

A month later he was sitting on his bed again, Dad with him. He could feel the scars burning under his jacket sleeve and hoped that he would never see them. Dad was looking so tired lately, and he knew it was his fault. If only he could go back to normal, the way he was before... but he couldn't. So he passed his dad the notebook.

i'm sorry

“John.” John looked up at his dad. 

“Son, I am so proud of you.” What? How could he say that! He was despicable, he was the worst son ever, he was crazy and all he did was make things worse. How could he say something like that? Then he was surrounded by Dad's arm, the smell of his cologne drowning out every other thought. “I don't know what happened, and I can't pretend to understand what it feels like, but I will always be here for you and I am so, so proud of you. You are my son and nothing will ever change that.” John's walls broke. Everything he'd been holding back came flooding out through his eyes. Maybe things would get better. Maybe he could make more friends and be normal again someday.

A little reluctantly, he pulled himself away from the smell of his dad when he felt a pain in his stomach. Oh yeah, he hadn't eaten for days. He always ate at least a little when Dad was watching, but it hadn't been very much.

Can we go downstairs? i'm kind of hungry

John reveled in the smell of chicken and sauce. Yes. Things would get better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok that's it for now i guess? once again i'll try to update again soon but school and moving and life and yeah :/
> 
> but reminder
> 
> contact me at pinkycry.tumblr.com if you want to help me with the next part/just talk
> 
> and you're awesome. DFTBA and all that shit. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

“Like I said before, I've called all of your teachers and the principal personally so that you won't be put in an uncomfortable situation. If anything happens or someone tries something you don't like, either go to the office or text me.”

_Yeah, yeah, Dad, can I please go now?_

“In a moment. I'm proud of you.” John looked at his dad, sitting behind the wheel of the car in front of John's new high school. John rolled his eyes, unbuckling his seat-belt and opening his door.

_I'll text you when I get out of school._

“Have a good day, son.”

John waved as his dad pulled away before stepping through the main hallway that led to the inner grounds. He felt both nervous and excited. No one knew him here, no one would ambush him in the halls between periods and threaten him with fists and kicks to try and get a sound out of him. Thank God they hadn't gotten wind of his peanut allergy; they probably would have tried to shove some down his throat.

Clutching his schedule and the note his dad had made for him to give to the teachers, John glanced around the quad. Finding the door to his homeroom class, he rested his hand on the handle for a moment before pushing down, opening the door and stepping inside.

The room was completely empty, besides for the woman at a desk. She looked up and smiled when he stepped in, handing her the note. She reached out to shake his hand after looking it over.

“Oh, so you're John, the new transfer student.” John felt a bit of relief when she didn't say the mute student. Sometimes it felt as if that's the only thing people saw him as. “I'm Ms. Ciel, your homeroom teacher. Why don't you pick a seat and I'll fill you in.” John nodded and walked around to choose a desk. Not in the back, not in the front, but not quite in the middle, either; just the way he liked it. He sat down and put his things on the desk, Ms. Ciel sinking beside him to match his height.

“Your dad informed us on the issues you had with the students at your previous school. I can't guarantee that similar things won't happen here, but this school is very tight-knit. There are teachers everywhere.” Ms. Ciel looked up when the sound of faint laughter and chatter filtered through the opening door. John fought the urge to look back, instead settling for a quick glance when whoever it was sat at a desk in the very back corner of the room. It was another student, his face turned into a scowl as he reached into his backpack. Ms. Ciel got his attention again as she lowered her voice.

“Your Dad called us to make sure we knew what was going on, so you won't have any problems with the teachers. If anything happens or you have any questions, come here after school and we'll sort it out.” He nodded when she stood up, walking back to her desk and ruffling around some papers as she sat down. John stared intently at the grains of his desk. Hopefully he would be able to make at least one friend this year. 

After Ms. Ciel finished her prep talk and told everyone they could talk amongst themselves, John tuned out the talking filling the room and brought out a book. Yeah, he should probably get some friends.

/ / /

“Hey, new kid. Don't you know better than to sit at just any fucking table? You'd be getting your ass handed to you on a metaphorical silver platter if I were anyone else.” John started at the sound of a voice. He hadn't been paying attention, and he definitely hadn't seen the boy in front of him slide into the the seat on the other side of the table.

“I guess since you're new here I'll spare you, but don't expect to get the V.I.P treatment from any of the other assholes at this fine learning institution. The only thing these guys care about is themselves. I guess the teachers here are okay, I haven't had any problem with them. Just stay away from Mrs. Serket. She's usually pretty nice but if she sinks her claws into you you're done for.”

John blinked. He'd almost forgotten that Vriska's mom was the principle at this school. What the other guy said was true – she was normally pretty sweet, but cross her and you'd be greeted with a fate worse than death. John was brought back from his thoughts when the boy across from him cleared his throat.

“Are you going to say anything or what?” John twisted to the side to get his backpack. He brought it up to the bench with him, opening the zipper and and flipping through his things. There was his notebook, but... where the heck was his pen. The guy was talking again, a little more agitated, but John couldn't really hear him. No, no, no, that was his only one! Without it he couldn't do anything, he couldn't say anything. Without something to write with he really was mute. John started to hyperventilate, searching through the pockets on the sides. Where is it where is it?! 

“Fucking fine, I'll leave you alone then. Enjoy the table, asshole.” John looked up as the other guy stormed off. What else was he going to screw up today? He buried his head in his hands, trying to calm down. This was not going to fix anything. Think. Where was he last when he'd had his pen? Math? No. English? Yeah, that was it. A little shaky on his legs, John headed to his English class. Hopefully the teacher would be inside.

/ / /

John knocked his knees together as he sat in his seat, trying not to get sucked into another panic attack. And he'd been doing so well lately! If only he hadn't left his pen in class; maybe the other kid wouldn't have stormed off. But this is why I'm here, he thought, trying to feel determined. To apologize for yesterday. No doubt the guy would feel awkward if he stuck around long enough to find out about John. That would actually be pretty-

“What the fuck do you want?” John felt like his heart stopped when the person behind him spoke, dropping their things on the table. Wow, he needed to stop spacing off like that! He handed the notebook over to him, watching his face as he read the note.

He was just the slightest bit shorter than John, wearing a gray shirt, his ruffled black hair surrounding dark skin and a scowl. His brown eyes raked over the paper.

“Why the fuck do you need a pen?” John waved his hands for the guy to give him back the notebook. He felt a pang of anxiety as he handed it back. How would he react? 

“Oh my god, you are definitely not the one who should be apologizing here. I was such a prick, oh my God. Somebody shoot me in the fucking face before I embarrass myself even more, fuck.” John suppressed a smile; whoever this guy was, he was flustered pretty easily. Did he talk like this to everybody? Whatever; it was actually kind of funny. 

John learned that his name was Karkat, which was kind of strange when he thought about it. Maybe his parents were foreign? After a while, Karkat asked the obvious question.

“So, you're obviously new here. What made you switch from wherever the hell you were?” After John answered, Karkat froze, his fork halfway to his mouth as he stared incredulously at John. “You? You had a girlfriend? How the hell did you get a girlfriend?” John shrugged, not really wanting to get into the details. He'd known Vriska for a short time before he'd stopped talking, and the change hadn't seemed to affect her in the slightest. She was still the same old rambunctious, troublesome girl he'd always known. When they'd gotten older she'd suggested the relationship. He hadn't... exactly reciprocated her feelings, but he had a feeling that she didn't quite do so either. She just wanted someone who would take her shit and listen, and he enjoyed her life, her energy, the way she didn't tiptoe around him like he was made of glass. Once she'd finally realized it herself, she'd called it off - which he was grateful for - but things just weren't exactly the same afterward. It's not like it mattered; they would always be friends. 

When Karkat asked about the sweater, he'd dished out the same response he always did when someone questioned it. It wasn't a total lie; it was a habit by now. But if he had a choice, he would burn the jacket and feed the ashes to some undeserving animal; it's purpose reminded him too much of when he was younger. It was bad enough that he had to tell people that he was mute; he didn't want anyone to see what was left on his wrists, on his arms. So he wore his jacket from the moment he went outside to the moment he was back in his room, no matter how hot it was.

The bell rung, and Karkat jumped up, asking for his Pesterchum. He shook his head. He couldn't use it. Not ever. He didn't want what happened before to happen again. It took all he had to talk to his dad over the phone and not freak out wondering if the text on his screen was just a ruse. But he'd accepted it, because not doing so would lead to questions he couldn't answer and it was convenient. He gave a blank look the the paper that Karkat gave him anyways, recognizing it as a chum handle. Too bad he wouldn't be able to use it.

Karkat waved goodbye, and John waved back. Today had been a good day. Yes, definitely. He gathered his things and headed to Art, trying to keep down a smile. He couldn't.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo yeah we're finally getting the ball rolling again!

John fingered the edge of his jacket, waiting in front of the homeroom door for Karkat to show up. This wasn't weird, right? Waiting for someone you just met wasn't weird? He was about to go inside when Karkat showed up, waving when he saw John. 

“You're here early.” John nodded. “Anyways, my asshole friend is actually showing up for school today, I'd thought I'd let you know; he's the last person I'd ever want to be surprised by. He'll probably only show up for just today, he doesn't come to school much.” Both of them walked into homeroom, Karkat talking with his hands almost as much as his voice. “Anyways, yeah, he can be weird as hell but you learn to get used to it.” Karkat sat in his desk, and John took the seat next to it. No one had sat in it yesterday, so he didn't see why not. 

Karkat pulled a book from his backpack, and John's curiosity got the best of him. He pointed, hoping that would get the message across. “Oh, this? It's just a book.” Karkat handed it over, and John ogled at a cover that looked like it was pulled off of the cheesiest romance movie, a teenage couple staring longingly at each-other in front of a beach as the sun set behind them. John did his half-laugh, the one he did where there wasn't quite sound, but he had to do something. “Shut up, John, or I swear to God I will duck-tape you to a chair and force you through the sappiest romcoms even I can think of.”

It wasn't really that funny, but something about the way he said it and the look Karkat gave him just broke him. John couldn't help but bark out one full laugh before reigning back control, pushing his head onto the desk and trying not to let any more out. His whole body felt like it was shaking, it was just so damn funny for some reason. He could feel Karkat hovering over him, so he sat back up and gave Karkat the notebook.

“No shit, Sherlock. I could tell by the way you held yourself together so well.” John yanked the notebook back, writing in it again. It was true – almost five years had gone by and he hadn't let anything slip by once. Later, it would sink in, and he would feel confused and sad and happy and agitated all at the same time, but for now all he could do was wipe away the tears at his eyes.

 

There was someone at the table already when John got out of class, and he felt confused for a moment before he realized it must be that friend of Karkat's. Hadn't he said that he was really weird, or scary or something? Yeah, John was not going in there alone. So he waited for Karkat outside the cafeteria.

Once they joined up, they began walking back to their spot. John almost ran into Karkat when he stopped suddenly, leaving John confused when he started up again faster than ever. He trailed behind a little; he hadn't exactly been as people-friendly once he'd stopped talking. He'd gotten shy, and he was feeling it in full force now. John could hear Karkat saying something to wow he is really tall.

“Gamzee, this is John. John, this unbelievably tall motherfucker is Gamzee.” John nodded when Gamzee waved, feeling a little awkward. The guy was dressed in hole-y jeans, a black t-shirt and had a mess of black hair, which only added to his height and made him look really intimidating. 

“Of course. I have to go back and get a fork. Gamzee, I swear to God if you break him I will-”

“Relax, Karbro. Your bro will be in mint condition when you get back.” Karkat walked off, leaving him alone with Gamzee. After a moment of silence, Gamzee spoke up.

“Looks like I'm not the only poor motherfucker to be screwed up in the head.” John looked up at Gamzee, feeling his eyes widen. How did he know? Was it really that obvious? How did he know?

“Karkat, as good of a bro as he is, doesn't see it,” Gamzee brought a hand up to his head under his thick hair, tapping a finger against his temple as he smiled just a bit too wide and said, “But all of us broken mother fuckers can see it a mile away.” John didn't really know what to think. Gamzee was...crazy too? Almost in answer to his question, he continued.

“You up and decided to stop lettin' any brother in, for whatever fucked up reason the universe decided to throw at you. I have to inhale the sweet smoke and let the flow take me where I need to be,” he leaned towards John a little, widening his eyes in a way that made John just a bit uncomfortable, “Or I go mother fuckin' insane.” Gamzee let out a deep chuckle, stretching his arms above his head as John tried to keep up. 

“The thing about Karbro is he can say somethin' without up and knowing what he's letting slip through his think pan, so when he says somethin' that he doesn't realize means somethin', it's best to just forgive the brother.” John nodded again, slower. He could do that. 

Gamzee held out a hand with a slip of paper between his fingers, and John took it hesitantly. But this was... John looked up in a bit of confusion. Why did he give him this? But before he could reach for his notebook to ask, Karkat was back, giving them suspicious looks. After a couple minutes, Gamzee left, walking lazily out of campus. He didn't intend on using it, but he slipped the paper safely into his jacket pocket anyways, where he knew he wouldn't forget it.

/ / /

After the first time, Karkat visited at least once every week, although usually more. Karkat finally asked one day when he was over at John's house.

“I've been over here how many times, five? Ten? Fuck if I know. It's about Goddamn time you came over to my house.” John smiled at him, feeling a grin take over his face as he handed Karkat the notebook.

That would be so awesome!!!

“I've told you about Kankri though, right?”

yeah, you mentioned him the first time we met. Your adopted brother rights activist or something

“Yeah, that's pretty much him. He talks pretty much every five fucking seconds and doesn't know when to shut up. If you try to get a word in edge-wise he'll just talk over you like you're not even there. It's best if you just nod along and pretend to look interested.” John nodded.

Karkat smiled wickedly. “And since we'll be at my house, we'll have to watch my movies for a change.” John rolled his eyes before punching Karkat lightly on the shoulder. It was going to be awesome.

 

Once John's dad agreed to the meeting, it was arranged for John to arrive the next day. John could hardly contain his excitement. He was going to a friend's house! He hadn't been inside a strange house since Vriska, and that was almost a year ago. What would it be like? Would it be messy? Would it be like his house? What would Karkat's room look like? They were walking there, since according to Karkat it wasn't too far, and he filled John in just like he had when he took Karkat to his house.

“I've already warned you about Kankri, so you don't need to worry about that. Just nod and pretend you're actually interested in his martyr bullshit. I'll have to leave you with him for a moment, God help your soul. I was running late this morning and forgot to make my room guest-friendly. I'm sure you can manage.” John nodded. He would be fine, right?

The second John stepped through the door and into the hallway, he was assaulted by a strange voice. “Karkat, you're home! You've brought your friend with you, am I correct?” A very Karkat-looking man appeared around the corner, wearing a large red turtle-neck and a cup of what looked to be tea in his hands. Karkat guided John to the living room, Kankri trailing behind them.

“I would offer you a hand, but I know some people have a problem with being touched and I always try to be conscious of other people's triggers when ever possible. Please, John, make yourself at home. I assume Karkat's already told you something about me, so I'll skip the introductions.”

Karkat shot John an apologetic glance before darting up the stairs. Kankri was still talking as John scribbled in his notebook, before ripping out a page and handing it to Kankri.

“Oh? What is this?”

Puppets

salt shakers

rapping 

mentions of mental illness 

mentions of self harm

ducks

non-consensual touching

sudden loud noises

wheat/wheat by-products

the color red

You said something about triggers, so I thought I would give you mine. Go ahead and keep that list if you want!

John tried to keep his face straight as Kankri stared at the paper in shock. He was stuttering as he glanced down at his sweater, his face growing dark as his stuttering increased.

“I-i'm sorry, I'll just go and change,” and Kankri practically ran off. When Karkat came back downstairs, all he saw was that Kankri was gone and John was collapsed on the couch.

“John? What the hell happened?” John got up and let Karkat lead him to his room, collapsing on the bed and shaking as he wrote in the notebook.

“Where did Kankri go? What happened?”

he was saying something about how he tried to be conscious of triggers, so I gave him mine!!!!!!!! ;)

Karkat stared at John. “You... In all my years, I never once thought of that. I bow to you, oh great Egbert!” John's shaking increased when he told Karkat what he said (even if he did skip over some triggers), the writing almost illegible when he told Karkat about how Kankri had reacted when he read about the color red, Karkat collapsing beside him. For a moment, he could almost forget about how true it was. 

Later in the day, with Kankri still nowhere to be found, Karkat gave John the official tour.

“I'm not sure how much you plan to be around, so I'll just show you around now. You've already seen the front hall, the living room, the kitchen, and my room.” John followed Karkat down a different hall. “This door is to the bathroom, and this one is Kankri's room.” He stopped in front of another door, hesitating for a moment before he shrugged and turned the knob. “We don't really go in this one much, we don't use it. It's really just for...” John stopped listening when he saw what was inside. Smack in the middle of the room was a baby grand piano, old and worn and beautiful. He practically floated forward, hands brushing against the white and black ivory before he even realized he was across the room. He pressed experimentally against some keys, surprised when they came out sharp and clear. Maybe they had someone who came and tuned it every once in a while.

He didn't hear Karkat's “What-” as he brought his hands rhythmically against they keys, smiling as his hands played a song he thought he'd forgotten. The sound welled up softly from the old piano, and he closed his eyes against the old memories the notes brought with it. How long had it been since he'd last played? Too long. He'd forgotten why he loved piano so much. When the notes were played just right, the melodies and harmonies and the almost-silent click of fingers against the keys, a whole story could be told without saying a word. He'd loved that even before his whole ordeal, neglecting to play even though it only became more relevant. Too soon, the song was over, and he thought about playing another one before he remembered Karkat. 

He turned to see not only Karkat behind him, but Kankri standing in the doorway as well, both of them staring at him with the same incredulous look on their faces. It took him a moment before he remembered that he was at another person's house, playing someone else's piano. He scrambled for his notebook.

Oh, i'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that!! I just couldn't help myself :/

Karkat read the note blankly. “No, it's not that, it's just...”

“The piano was our father's.” Kankri continued where Karkat trailed off, leaning in the doorway with a new, notably red-less sweater on, arms crossed over his chest. His voice was soft and distant compared to the quick one-sided babbling he'd been doing earlier. “Our father was the only one who could play that piano. He'd shut himself up in here for the whole day just playing... It hasn't been played since he died.”

John stepped away from the piano guiltily, feeling horrified with himself. How could he be so stupid? He should know better than to just play someone else's piano without asking, even if it was at a friend's house; he knew some people who got very protective over their instruments, but this was even worse. Kankri slowly walked into the room, reaching around John to open the lid over the seat and brought out a few pages of sheet music. He held it out to John, who took it after a moment.

“I hope you don't mind me asking, but if it wouldn't be too much... would you try to play this? It would mean a lot to me.” Kankri shifted a glance over to Karkat, still standing in the same spot. John nodded, sitting on the bench and setting the sheet music softly on the stand on the piano. He glanced over it, hoping it wouldn't be too difficult – thankfully, it wasn't. He set his hands on the beginning keys, and falteringly began to play.

He made surprisingly few mistakes for not having read any sheet music for a couple years. When he did, he hardly noticed. The song was short and sweet, composed for a pianist with a softer hand, which John had. The chords played out with a melodic sort of dissonance, giving it a sense of melancholy while keeping the bright melody. He couldn't recognize the style; definitely not an artist he knew – it was like a taste on the edge of his tongue, almost but not quite there. 

When the song was over, he turned around to see a small smile on Kankri's face, Karkat's screwed up in an odd way. 

“That was his favorite song. He finished it not long before he...” Kankri shook his head softly before walking out of the room, the door to his closing with a click. John put the sheet music back inside the bench before walking back to Karkat, smiling sheepishly.

“Anything else you can do that I should know, fuckass?”

I can do a mean chicken dance.

“I will fucking end you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that John plays on the piano is either the beginning part of Showtime or Unlabeled. Actually how about we go with Unlabeled. And I actually play piano so i sorta know what I'm talking about \^_^/
> 
> Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on1hmcma0h0&list=PLiOuOn3QAGy5YvIw-QNh3BIh1jyQZpOpQ&index=6
> 
> and i think that's in a playlist go ahead and listen to the other ones too while you're at it :D
> 
> _[didja catch the reference?]_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah watch out we got some plot over here
> 
> updating the fic like what up i got a shoddy internet connection

A couple weeks later, John was watching TV in the living room when he noticed his dad leaning in the doorway.

_You need something?_

Dad considered him for a moment before continuing. “You and Karkat are rather close, right? You trust him?” John paused a moment.

_Yeah, I guess. Why?_

Dad walked over to the couch, sitting beside John. “I need to leave for a business meeting for the weekend. I'd be leaving Friday afternoon and coming home Saturday night. Why don't you invite your friend to spend the night while I'm gone?” John's hands faltered, a grin quickly taking over his face. He nodded vigorously, not trusting his hands to convey his enthusiasm. Dad smiled. “Why don't you ask him tomorrow. We can take it from there if he agrees.”

When Karkat finally arrived, Dad made a big show of showing them where the emergency numbers are, where the money was if they wanted to order in that night, and telling them to behave themselves. John practically shoved him out the door, Dad chuckling. After gathering a ridiculously huge amount of snacks from the kitchen, they sat in John's room watching movie after movie. John made sure to scatter Karkat's romcoms throughout the marathon, playing one whenever Karkat looked like he was about to burst an artery. Halfway through, John paused the movie right in the middle of a particularly steamy scene.

John smiled as Karkat gave him a shocked glare. “What the fuck was that for? Are you trying to give me an aneurism?” John rolled his eyes.

I just had the best idea!

“Would that be resuming the movie? Because if it was, that might just be worth putting into action. If it's not, I'm sure it can wait until afterward, when we're not in the middle of having the plot resolved.”

No it can't!!! It's a matter of life or death!

“I really fucking doubt that. What is it?” John's grin grew even wider.

I can teach you some sign language!!

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “Why would I need to do that? You always have your notebook.”

come on, it'll be fun! Plus you'll understand me when i'm talking to dad :)

Karkat deliberated for a moment before giving a defeated sigh. “Fine, you win. Only because I know you won't stop bugging me about it!” John congratulated himself on the victory. He instantly brought out the set of cards that Dad had bought when they'd first been learning together, a picture of an object on one side and a dotted arrow showing the direction of the movements his hands needed to make. It was funny to watch Karkat get frustrated every time he messed up, and he caught Karkat fighting down a twitch of a smile more than once. Every time he did, a feeling would rise in John's chest that he couldn't explain. He pushed his thoughts to the side; there were more important things at hand!

About halfway through the attempted lesson, John gave in to Karkat's complaining about finishing the movie, and they resumed marathoning the imagined problems of skilled (or, sometimes according to Karkat, “miserable excuses of”) actors. Hours passed before they both decided to give in to their loudly complaining stomachs and order pizza, Karkat all the while fervently praising the various plots of his favorite movies, John rolling his eyes as they ate their greasy dinner in his room. 

Sprawled on the floor, it took a while for John to finally sleep. With Karkat already unconscious, the silence in the room prompted John's earlier thoughts to crowd back in his mind. Karkat didn't usually smile like that, so it was okay for him to feel happy when he did, right? Although “happy” might not be the right word for it; more like “oh gosh please do that again because it makes my stomach do a back flip”. John felt himself blush, glancing back at his friend to make sure he was asleep. He cursed himself silently, giving his pillow a frustrated sigh. Just because Karkat was the first person to really accept him doesn't mean he should be having anything other than friend-feelings for him! That is so weird; totally not cool, John. He was not going to jeopardize his relationship with Karkat simply because of his feelings. Karkat obviously wasn't into anyone, and it was more than likely that he didn't even swing that way. As a matter of fact, do I even swing that way? John grimaced. Ok, these are not the right thoughts to have about a guy sleeping right in front of you. Just go to sleep.

 

John waited in front of the homeroom door, just like he did every day. The bell rang, and still Karkat didn't show. He stepped inside of the classroom, sitting at his desk. There was Karkat, already in his seat! Maybe he just didn't notice him come in? He poked Karkat in the shoulder, and he turned around – wait, this isn't Karkat. It's another boy. He stared at John with a blank look before turning back around, staring at his desk. He walked up to Ms. Ciel's desk, handing her a note. Where's Karkat? She gives him a confused look. “Who are you talking about, John? There's no one named Karkat at this school.” John steps back. No, what is she talking about? He turns around and opens the door to the classroom, and steps into his house. Dad is in his chair. “How was school today, son?” John motions wildly. Dad, where's Karkat? Dad sets down the newspaper in his hand, stepping forward and bringing his hand to John's forehead. “Are you alright, son? I've never heard of anyone named Karkat.” John was in his room, and he rushed to his computer, typing carcinoGeneticist into the chat client. He backed up against a wall. It wasn't his room anymore. It was white, there were no doors, and there were black words scrawled over every inch of the blank walls.

[user not found]

[user not found]

[user not found]

John couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. He felt like a weight was sitting on his chest, crushing the air out of him and suffocating him. Panic rose in his throat as an eternity passed before it finally lifted. He took a deep breath before letting out a scream; where was he, why was he on the floor, where is Karkat? He flinched when he felt hands on his shoulders, across the room before he even realized he had moved. Karkat was giving him an anxious, frightened look, moving slowly towards him with his arms raised submissively as he said something softly. Everything clicked back into place, and he flung himself onto Karkat as soon as he could move and he kept telling himself it was just a dream. He let out a sob as he felt hands rest reassuringly against his back. Thank God, it was just a dream.

“John, what the hell happened? Don't tell me if you don't want to, but... what the hell were you dreaming about?” John looked into his friend's face as Karkat gave him a concerned look, his jaw taught and eyebrows scrunched together in worry. John didn't have the energy to write, so he poked a finger gently into Karkat's chest before sinking back into his arms. The dream was still fresh in his mind, and even though it was quickly fading it still had him in its grip. 

He'd had dreams like that before; nightmares where Dad was nowhere to be found, where he was tossed into the looney bin and cut off from everyone, and he woke up crying and ended up waking up Dad to make sure that it was really just a dream. But this was different, somehow. It cut into him deeper than his blades ever had, and if it wasn't for the fact that Karkat was holding onto him he would probably be going for them right about now.

After getting Karkat to stop babbling apologies, Karkat brought them both to the side of the bed. He knew this couldn't be too comfortable for him, but he was just so tired, and his eyes were glued closed before he could stop them. Just before he drifted off, he felt ghosts of finger-tips brushing at his cheek, followed by a distant sigh. Maybe the nightmare was worth it, after all...

///

John woke up in pretty much the exact same position he had fallen asleep in, sprawled awkwardly on top of Karkat. He looked up to see Karkat already up, looking at him with tired eyes. “You finally awake?” John blushed as he swung his legs around, effectively untangling himself from Karkat and scratching the back of his head awkwardly. Karkat raised his phone and shook it slightly, continuing to talk. “I got a text from Kankri a little while ago. Apparently someone broke into the house while he was at yet another rally, and he wants me back so I can help assess the damage.” Karkat hesitated a moment, worrying his lower lip with his teeth in a way that John couldn't help but think was adorable. “I could stay, though, if you want.” It was definitely tempting, but John wasn't that selfish. He searched around for the notebook for a few moments, Karkat handing him a pen that had rolled under the bed.

i'm fine. Go and help your brother, some of your stuff might have been taken too.

“Are you sure, because it's not that big of a-” John placed a finger over Karkat's lips, shutting him up. They both blinked in surprised before John quickly pulled his fingers away. Wow, John, personal space much? He shook his head, grabbing Karkat's things and shoving them in his hand's.

Karkat, I promise i'm fine. You can come back after if you really want to.

Karkat nodded, letting John lead him to the door. “You have my number if you want to talk to someone. I'll be back as soon as I can.” John waved as Karkat walked down the street before closing the door behind him and leaning his back against it. Where did that come from? And did he really just... fall asleep on Karkat like that? How long was he up while he just slept away? Wow, things are going to be a little awkward when Karkat comes back.

John trudged up the stairs, fighting off a wave of nausea as the walls spun, his scars burning on his arms as last night's dream came rushing back. For a moment he couldn't

fucking

_breathe-_

No, now is not the time to be doing this! He shakily picked up his phone from the bed, glancing over Karkat's number. No, he can't talk to him right now, not over the phone. But who? He felt something click in his brain as he remembered the paper in the desk drawer, hastily digging it out and sitting at his computer. Taking a deep breath, he opened pesterchum, ignoring the names already on the side as he typed a new name in.

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 9:38 - -

EB: gamzee? Are you on? This is john.  
EB: i'm not sure if you remember me but you gave me your chum handle  
TC: of course I remember, brother   
TC: WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO TALK TO THIS MOTHER FUCKER  
EB: I just really need a distraction right now.  
EB: if you know what I mean.  
EB: please know what I mean.  
TC: I understand, bro. I've been there and back more times than I can count Do:  
TC: WHAT TYPE OF DISTRACTION DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?  
EB: just talking would be good.  
EB: how long have you known karkat?  
TC: Karbro's been my miracle buddy since before I first snapped :o0  
TC: WE MET ONLINE THANKS TO A MUTUAL BRO  
TC: he's the one that made me get help when things got a little too crazy  
TC: THE MOTHER FUCKER KEPT WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME LIKE THE MIRACLE HE IS  
TC: he would do the same with you if you shared what's eating you up inside :o)  
EB: I want to!  
EB: but I can't.  
EB: it's really not as simple as that.  
EB: I don't know what I would do if karkat decided not to be around me if he found out........  
EB: I really like him :(  
TC: HE'S GETTING HIS WORRY ON ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW  
EB: really?  
EB: are you talking to him?  
TC: he's typing at me from his computer at home, all going on about how “THEY HAD TO CHOOSE LAST NIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS TO BREAK INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE.”  
TC: HE'S PRETTY MOTHER FUCKIN UPSET THAT HE CAN'T BE THERE WITH YOU  
EB: karkat said that someone broke into his house last night. I hope they didn't take too much.  
EB: can you not tell him i'm on here please?   
EB: I know that sounds weird but without getting into any details I just usually can't talk on things like this.  
TC: sure, brother   
TC: IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET ;o)  
EB: hehe, thanks :)  
EB: what else is he saying?  
TC: first,  
TC: WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY “REALLY LIKE HIM”? :o0  
EB: uh, I don't... know???  
EB: i'm still trying to sort that out, myself  
TC: that's funny,  
EB: ??  
TC THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.   
EB: wait, what  
TC: have fun with that distraction, brother. See you around  
TC: ;o)

 

\- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9: 42 - -

 

John rested his head against the desk for a moment before trying to clear his head. He brought it up again as he scanned through the conversation again, trying to make sense of it. He glanced at the two other names on the side of the screen, tentacleTherapist and gardenGnostic showing as idle chums. He hadn't talked to them after that time, and he'd changed his chumhandle before they could try to contact him again. He'd tried multiple times to talk to them, cursor hovering over their names, but he'd chickened out every time. He had wanted to talk to Rose about it so much, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to her again. They probably were better off without him, anyways. 

John repeated Gamzee's words in his mind. That's exactly what he said. Karkat was trying to sort out his own feelings for him? John felt dizzy at what that implied, although in a different way than last time. If Karkat ended up returning John's feelings – whatever they were – John would have to tell him about himself; he wouldn't feel right if he didn't. Gamzee said Karkat had dealt with crazy before, so maybe he would be okay with it. But on the other hand... John took a sharp breath. On the other hand, he could be totally freaked out and send him to a mental hospital, or even worse, refuse to ever see him again. Yeah, he wasn't going to be saying anything about that until he was absolutely sure. The fact that he wanted to spill everything wasn't helping at all. The one thing he wanted to do the most was share his fears with somebody, and that somebody was Karkat. 

But maybe he was getting ahead of himself. He still had no way of knowing how Karkat really felt about him. His mind flashed back to the memory of finger-tips ghosting over his face. Oh. Oh. Okay, so maybe he wasn't getting ahead of himself so much. But did he really like Karkat in that way? He'd always pegged himself as “not a homosexual” in the past, but then again, he hadn't ever thought of himself as “just a heterosexual” either. Bluh, why do emotions have to be so confusing!

Grimacing, he headed over to the pile of movies still scattered on the floor, shifting through them before discarding each one into the “nope” pile. He'd seen every one so many times that they wouldn't catch his interest enough for him to be distracted further. His hand paused over an unfamiliar title. He picked it up, realizing that it was one Karkat had left behind. Shrugging, he slipped it into the DVD player, settling onto the bed. Maybe now he could find out why Karkat liked these movies so much. 

It wasn't as boring as he thought it'd be – even if it did lack some excitement – but he kept getting side-tracked with the thought of Karkat's smile, or his finger on his lips and maybe how they'd feel against – yeah, now would definitely be a good time to re-focus on the movie. It was noon by the time it was over, so he headed downstairs to heat up what little pizza there was left over from the night before, setting the case to the movie on the counter. He choked on the bite of the pizza he was taking as a loud knock sounded on the door, spluttering as he hurried to answer it. Karkat couldn't be back yet, could he? John opened the door, freezing as he saw who it was.

“Hey, John. I haven't talked to you in forever!” Vriska walked in, her hands in the pocket of her jeans as her long, dark hair trailed behind her. John slowly closed the door before turning to see that Vriska had stolen a slice of pizza, plopping down on the couch. “Since there's absolutely zero ways of reaching you online, I decided to come pay a visit to see how my ex-hubby was doing. Aren't I great?” Vriska finished off the pizza with a flourish – the thief – and was giving him a scrutinizing once-over. John shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, you look like shit.” John hesitated before shrugging, sitting on the couch beside Vriska. A few moments of silence passed as John realized he'd left his notebook upstairs.

“Look, I know things didn't leave off on the best note between us, so I just wanted to say, no hard feelings?” John looked up at Vriska before smiling; knowing her, this was the best apology he was going to get. She smiled back, her eyes peering wickedly at him over her dark shades. “If it makes you feel any better, I found out about those kids at the school. Let's just say they won't be bothering anybody for a while.” Vriska threw her head back and laughed while John winced slightly. Anyone stupid enough to get on Vriska's bad side would not get off easy – she got that from her mother. Still laughing, Vriska twisted off of the couch and into the kitchen, probably on her way to the fridge. “Oh my God.” John turned to see Vriska walked back into the room, Karkat's movie in her hands.

“John. Egbert. There is only one person who could ever have such horrible taste in movies. Do not tell me that you are friends with Karkat fucking Vantas.” Wait, Vriska knew Karkat? She continued before he could do anything. “Oh, this is too rich. Karkat Vantas left one of his precious movies at John Egbert's house-” Vriska stopped, gaze darting between him and the movie. “Hold up. Karkat Vantas left one of his precious movies at John Egbert's house?” John shrugged, and Vriska let out a vicious cackle. “Wow, John, I knew you were a player, but I never thought you swung that way! Especially not for Vantas!” John let out a quick breath from his nose, feeling frustrated that he'd left his notebook upstairs. He was deliberating about making a quick dash to his room before he heard another knock at the door, it opening before John could reach it.

“John, I'm-” Karkat stepped through the front door, freezing when he saw Vriska howling in laughter with his movie in her hands. “Serket? What the fuck are you doing here?” He all but slammed the door behind him, moving to stand beside John with his arms crossed over his chest, shooting him a questioning glance. 

“Oh, didn't sweet little John tell you about him and me? Not too long ago, we were the hottest iron in the fire, it was us. We held hands, skipping into the sunset as our love blinded everyone with it's sheer magnificent beauty.” She thrust the movie into Karkat's hand, winking at John as she strutted out the door, waving behind her. “But it looks like he's already forgotten about little old me and found someone else to mack on!” The sound of Vriska's laughter faded as the door closed shut behind her. John looked at Karkat, who was staring at the door with the movie held limply in his hands, speechless for once. John gently nudged Karkat with his foot, who looked at him incredulously.

“Vriska Serket was your girlfriend?” John shrugged apolitically, offering Karkat a sheepish smile. He moved towards a drawer in the kitchen, just remembering that there was and extra pad of paper and a pen inside for cases just like this. “Vriska was your girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?!”

it's not like I knew you two know each other!!! like I told you before, it didn't work out. She just came over to check on me, or something. How do you two know each other anyway?

Karkat grumbled as he sat down on the couch, John sitting on the arm-rest beside him with the paper in his lap. “We grew up pretty close to each-other, and we ended up going to the same school for a while before she got expelled for 'violent behavior', big surprise there. I still have the unfortunate dis-pleasure of talking to her occasionally online. How you ever put up with someone like her is beyond me.”

She isn't so bad once you get to know her!

“Yeah, but getting to know her is the problem.” Karkat grumbled again, a few moments of silence passing between them before John thought to ask.

So how's your house? 

Karkat sighed exasperatedly, throwing his hands into the air and falling back into the couch. “The house is fucking great. They've stolen a grand total of one T.V, several useless house-hold decorations, and a plant. Who the hell steals a plant, for fuck's sake? At least they didn't have the sense to go into my or Kankri's room. If they'd taken my computer I would have hunted them down and beat them into an unrecognizable pulp that even their mothers wouldn't be able to identify.” John chuckled silently, feeling his heart flutter in his chest again as Karkat flashed him a small smile. Karkat would have to stop doing that before his brain turned into mush. Hiding his blush, he motioned for Karkat to follow him upstairs. He closed out the Pesterchum window before Karkat walked into the room, both of them sitting on the bed.

Karkat hesitated a moment before speaking. “So, about last night...” John looked down and away from his friend, not trusting his face to not betray his feelings. They were going to be talking about Serious Business now, weren't they? Shit.

It was nothing, just a crazy nightmare, don't worry about it.

“...About me. A crazy nightmare, about me.” Shit, he hoped he would've forgotten about that. John looked up at Karkat then, unable to stop himself. The boy's face was carefully still, but John knew in the way his eyes were squinted and the tightness of his jaw that it was an act. He felt his breath hitch before looking away again. “John.” John looked back up, Karkat's face soft as he continued. “Whatever happened, you know I won't judge you for it, right?” He knew Karkat wasn't talking about last night; he was talking about something else, something far more painful. Now would be the perfect time to tell him. Now, before him and Karkat got any further in their friendship, and either of them had a chance to get hurt. But he wouldn't, because he was afraid and selfish and wanted it to last as long as it could. He nodded hesitantly, when he felt something warm brush his hand. He looked down to see Karkat holding it firmly, and he squeezed back, trying to push down the tears stinging at his eyes. Karkat took a deep breath.

“I guess it would be a dick move to ask you to share something like that without me having something for you in return, so I'm going to tell you about my surprisingly woe-full past and how it involved my parents' tragic death.” John shook his head, but Karkat kept talking. “Shut up, Egbert. I'm doing this just as much for me as I am for you. I'll try to keep it short.” Karkat took another breath, and began his story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh look we get to meet vriska! I think I wrote her pretty well for this part??? idk it was fun xD
> 
> aw. who would've thought john wasn't the only one with problems? we're here for you karkat. we'll be the karkat support group. because we love you.
> 
> almost over guys!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for some developement

“I was nine years old. Kankri was at college and it was just me, my mom, and my dad. It was hot that day and like the greedy, sugar-loving brat I was I suggested that we all go and get some ice-cream. Being the kind and ever-loving parents that they were and I didn't deserve, they agreed, and soon enough we were all in the car and merrily on our way towards impending doom.

“We were only a couple blocks away from the house. Dad just finished telling some awful joke and we were all laughing like idiots when the light turned green. That's the last time I ever saw their faces – Mom trying to hide her smile with her hand, my dad giving her this look like she was the most beautiful thing in the world...” Karkat stopped, his breath hitching. John sidled closer to him, letting their shoulders touch as he squeezed his hand in encouragement. Karkat leaned in to him, pausing a moment before continuing again. 

“The driver of the truck wasn't paying attention to the lights. He ran into us at full speed and I cracked my head against the window. I don't remember how much time passed before I felt hands pulling me out and sitting me a couple yards away. The next thing I know a very Mom-looking figure is running back into the car to pull out my dad, and suddenly the car bursts into flames and explodes.” Karkat was crying , his voice cracking as he motioned with his free hand. John could feel his own tears make their way down his face as his grip tightened some more. “All for fucking ice-cream. My parents died and Kankri was forced to drop out of college to take care of me because I wanted ice-cream. I'm just such an incredible fuck-up that I don't know how I expected anything else to happen. Even if the universe wasn't set on making me miserable, I'd probably fuck up everything I touch either way.” Karkat let out a shaky breath. “So there you have it, the sob story that is my life. I guess I should feel better now that I've talked about it, and I probably do, but I'm too much of a mess right now to really care.” He nudged John gently with his shoulder. “You see what I mean when I say I won't judge you? I fucking killed my parents, I don't see how it can get worse than that.”

John could feel himself shaking, feeling like the only thing keeping him from scattering into a million pieces was Karkat's hand anchoring him to the bed. He reached for his notebook, the pen shaking in his hand as he tried to think of what to write. He wanted to say so much to Karkat, how he was so sorry and it wasn't his fault and he was so much better than he made himself up to be, the guy who loved romcoms and sappy novels and swore like a sailor and knew how to make him laugh on the second day they knew each other when he hadn't laughed in years. He wanted to say all of that but the words died in his throat as years of fear overpowered them, and an anger at himself welled up and his shaking increased. Why couldn't he do it? Why couldn't he just say simple words and let his friend know how much he meant to him? _Why couldn't he do it?_ The term 'selective mutism' burned in his memory; the physical ability to speak but being unable to because of a barrier in your mind. Basically, he could speak but he was just such a horrible friend that he couldn't get over himself for two seconds to say something.

Spite for himself welled up in his throat. His grip tightened on the pen and he threw it down on the floor, crushing it under his feet and ink spilling over the carpet of his floor. He hated that fucking pen. He yanked out the page of the notebook he'd been about to write on and tore it with a satisfying rip before crumpling the pieces and throwing it down by the decimated pen. He hated that fucking notebook. He hunched in on himself, sobs ripping themselves from his throat before he could stop them. He was disgusting; his friend opened up to him with something so painful and he couldn't even say one fucking word because he was a coward. He felt the pressure of Karkat's hands on his back. “John-”

“ _I'm sorry!_ ” Karkat froze beside him, but John continued before he could stop. “I want to tell you so much, I've wanted to tell you for so long but I was, I am, I'm afraid that you'll hate me or realize how crazy I am and you'll leave, and I really don't want that to happen because I'm, I-” He stopped, panting for breath, his voice cracked and high from years of not being used. 

“I love you.” Karkat blurted it out before John could continue. John stared at him in shock, both of their eyes wide. “I'm not sure when it started, but when I kept thinking about the way you were acting last night and how that nightmare you had was about me, it hurt me so much, and it hit me in the fucking face that it hurt because I love you. I know you probably don't feel the same way because that would be too much to ask, but-” Karkat was cut off as John swung his arms around his shoulders, effectively silencing him as he crushed their lips together. Karkat stiffened for a moment before relaxing into the gesture, returning it full force. John hesitantly pulled away for a moment, enunciating each of his words carefully.

“I. Love. You. Too.” Karkat smiled, making John's heart skip a beat. He was quickly learning that Karkat's smiles were deadly. “Really? So you're not just taking advantage of my vulnerable emotional state?” John rolled his eyes, pulling Karkat to lie down on the bed beside him. Karkat didn't resist, both of their forehead's touching as Karkat's mouth twitched.

“I never thought a time would come when I would actually use this as a compliment, but you have a nice voice.” John rolled his eyes again.

“I sound like a rusty gate.” Karkat laughed, John's smile growing wider by the second.

“Yes, but you're my rusty gate.” Karkat's brow knit together. “You don't have a problem with being my rusty gate, do you? Because I would love to be your boringly-average-albeit-fucked-up gate.”

“Hell. Yes.” Karkat's smiled again, tilting his head to get another quick kiss in. They both looked at each other for a moment before John sighed, closing his eyes. “I should probably keep going before my brain takes back control and I go back to not being able to talk again. I just... I'm afraid you'll want to leave.” John continued before Karkat could protest, shifting himself closer to Karkat so he wouldn't have to look into his eyes. He took a deep breath, already feeling a slow sense of panic building inside of him, threatening to close up his throat. He would need to get this out soon. The steadily setting sun filtered through his blinds, casting the room in a soft glow.

“I was thirteen. I had two friends, Rose and Jade. We talked on Pesterchum all the time, and around then we were making plans to finally meet up after pretty much growing up together online. One day, after I hadn't been on Pesterchum for a while...” He shuddered, and Karkat hugged him tighter. Taking comfort in the action, John continued. “I hadn't been on Pesterchum for a while when someone messaged me. He said we'd been friends for a long time and I'd stopped talking to him, and he wanted to see if I forgot about him. I couldn't remember him at all. We talked, he seemed like a cool guy, and we became friends. I told Rose and Jade about him and I started thinking about what it would be like to have him with us when we met up.

“A couple weeks later...” Another breath, another reassuring squeeze. “A couple weeks later I noticed my friends started to act weird whenever I mentioned this guy. When I asked one of them about it, she said-” John shuddered again, tears silently tracking down his face. Karkat ran his fingers through John's hair, and John tired to keep it together. _Just a bit longer, please_. “She said that they thought he was a joke. That he didn't acutally- he didn't actually- Goddammit, he didn't actually exist! I searched his chumhandle and it showed there wasn't actually anyone with that name. I looked at all of our logs and it was just me talking to nobody. I imagined him, Karkat, I completely imagined a person. I realized I was crazy and I stopped talking, because I was afraid they'd lock me up somewhere. And then sometimes I would think that maybe I didn't exist, that I was so messed up that I was imaging everything, and the only way I could feel real sometimes was to hurt myself, and I hated it, Karkat, I-” John gasped as he tried to catch his breath, forgetting to breathe as his anxiety rose. He waited for Karkat to get up, to call him a freak and leave. 

Karkat gently pushed John's head up with his fingers on his chin, leaning in slowly to give John a long, gentle kiss. John gave in, unwilling to break away. When Karkat finally pulled away, he looked into John's eyes with a small smile. “That's the first time you said my name.” John blinked numbly as Karkat pulled him forward into a tight hug. “Did you really think I'd fucking leave you for that? Sure, it wasn't what I was expecting, but it's not something I can't deal with. Gamzee went on a fucking murdering rampage; I'll take a crazy boyfriend any day. Because you are. My boyfriend, that is. There is nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. News flash: Karkat Vantas is absolutely smitten for John Egbert and there's nothing anyone can fucking do about it.” John hiccuped into Karkat's chest, and he could feel himself smiling like an idiot. They stayed that way for a few minutes, John calming down slowly.

“That nightmare I had,” John said quietly, “I dreamed that you didn't exist. Everybody was saying they didn't know who you were and they put me in this cell because I made you up. I was so scared...” Karkat buried his face in John's hair, murmuring, “I'm not going anywhere, fuckass.” John sighed, his eyes growing heavy. 

“I'm probably not going to be able to talk for when I wake up,” he said, trying to keep his eyes open but failing miserably. “I don't want that to happen.” Karkat rubbed his back, murmuring softly.

“Don't worry, idiot. I'll do whatever it takes to get you talking again.”

///

John started at the sound of knuckles rapping against the door to his room, flailing and falling off the bed with a loud _thud_. Karkat jumped up as well, a slightly garbled “ _Shit_ ” escaping his lips at the sound. John glared at the door as he rubbed an elbow where he bumped it, sticking his tongue out at Dad as he opened the door. John may be into pranking, but his dad had the deed tuned to a fine art; there was no besting him. His dad smiled innocently at him before saying, “I wanted you to let you know I'm home, John. I see Karkat is still here.” Karkat mumbled out a “Hello, Mr. Egbert” before he continued. “I thought you might be hungry, so I brought home some pizza. It's waiting for you downstairs.” He closed the door as John nodded and rolled his eyes, using the bed as a support to stand up. He sighed as he sat on the bed, still rubbing his elbows. That freaking hurt. He turned as Karkat cleared his throat. “Can you, um...” Karkat gestured to his throat. John tried to say something but choked instead, years of conditioning taking over. He shook his head, grimacing as he picked up the broken pen from the carpet. That ink was not coming out. He sighed, picking up his notebook and choosing another pen from the multitude scattered throughout his room. He looked up at the hand on his shoulder.

“I _will_ get you talking again, Egbert, I promise.” John smiled at the determined look in Karkat's eyes. He laughed, pleased to find that a little noise came with it, and was much easier than before. Karkat gave John another peck on the lips before standing up and stretching. He waved his hand towards the door to John's room.

“Do you want to tell your dad about any of this, or...” John shook his head.

If he finds out about it it's going to be because i'm telling him about it. Gosh, I hate this pen so much :/

Karkat nodded before tugging John closer to him. “And what about this? Are you going to keep this a secret?” He gestured towards themselves, an eyebrow quirked. “I don't have a problem if you are, I just want to know how much I can let slip when your parental unit is present.” John deliberated a moment before slowly writing it out.

I...don't think dad will have a problem with it. Just, let me tell him, ok?

Karkat shrugged, running his hands through his hair as he walk towards the door. “You won't hear me complaining, but my stomach has a different idea. Let's go eat some fucking pizza.” John smiled before following his boyfriend – wow, he never thought he'd be thinking something like that, like, ever – down the stairs, sitting at the table when he saw the pizza and plates were already set out. He answered all of the questions Dad had for him when he could, wiping the grease on his fingers on a napkin when he remembered something.

Oh, yeah, Vriska came over today.

Dad raised an eyebrow, glancing over the rim of his newspaper. “And there's still food in the refrigerator? I'm surprised.” John half-laughed.

Apparently she knows Karkat! He came back and she left before she got to the fridge.

“Came back?”

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to mention. Karkat's house got broken into last night and he had to help his brother find out what they took. One of the things was a plant! Isn't that crazy?

Dad chuckled, turning the page to the newspaper.

“Um, excuse me, but could I be brought back in on the loop here?” John turned to see Karkat giving him an exasperated look.

Hehe, sorry. Vriska and potted plant, pretty much.

Karkat nodded, satisfied enough to continue digging into his pizza. 

A little while later, they were both back in John's room, Dad having permitted Karkat staying another night and Karkat assuring that Kankri wouldn't have a problem with it. They were laying on John's bed, both of them under the same blanket. John was considering falling back asleep when Karkat spoke up.

“I was going to wait a little while until I told you this, but there's no time like the present.” Karkat gave him a searching look before continuing. “Rose. Jade. Those friends you were talking about?” John nodded, not sure where Karkat was going with this. Was he going to say that they were probably made up, too? “I've talked to them.” John felt his mouth swing open, choking out a barely audible “ _What?_ ” before he coughed, his throat closing up again. Karkat patted his back until the coughs subsided. He gave Karkat a look that obviously meant explain.

“I met Rose through my friend, Kanaya. She said that she would be good for me. I met Jade through Rose when she took the liberty of deciding that is was good for my well-being. Rose is probably just as psycho-analyzing as you remember her. Jade is always on my ass about my attitude, vagrantly abusing shout-pole privileges and using far too many emoticons.” John could feel himself smiling, crying once again like the blubbering idiot he was. Karkat reached down and wiped away the tears with his thumb, a soft smile on his lips. “When you're ready, I can help you talk to them.” John nodded, hugging himself closer to Karkat. 

Yes. Things are definitely better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good for you, john. good for you, karkat. you two deserve each other. John's dad is such a prankster there are so many oppurtunities.


	11. Karkat: Be the Other Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost *pants* done *pant*
> 
> have some karkat

Karkat had a hard time believing this was actually happening. Even with the warmth of John's body seeping between what little space was between them, he kept waiting to wake up from what was obviously a dream, because let's face it; his luck just wasn't that fucking good. There was no way that John returned the feelings that had hit him like a train wreck splattering some unsuspecting civilian's candy red blood on the tracks, and there was definitely no fucking way that John had actually. Fucking. Talked to him.

When he thought of the implications of it all, his stomach tightened in a way that wasn't exactly unwelcome. He kept repeating the sound of his voice in his mind over and over, trying to burn the memory into his ear-drums. It was gritty and cracked, high from lack of use, and it was most definitely John. He looked at the boy's face in front of his, his unruly hair sticking every which way and his eyes closed, his breathing deep and even in sleep. Every so often, Karkat would see his hands twitch at his sides, almost as if he was trying to sign in his sleep. Fucking adorable.

Karkat sighed and closed his eyes, trying to take a lesson from the dork at his side and relax enough to sleep. He doesn't usually need to sleep so much; spending the better part of your life as an insomniac tends to do that to someone, but with all the drama and feelings-sharing going on, he fucking deserves a couple extra hours. Hopefully John's dad won't wake them up again. One heart-attack was good enough for him, and being caught red-handed like that was embarrassing as hell. If John didn't tell him soon, he wouldn't have a hard time picking it up on his own, if he hadn't figured it out already; it didn't take the genius of a Lalonde to figure out the implications of catching your son literally sleeping with another dude in his bed.

Speaking of Lalonde. Karkat stifled a groan as he pulled out the phone from his pocket, squinting his eyes under the bright glare of the screen as his phone buzzed from an incoming message.

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:12 - -

TT: Karkat.  
TT: This is an emergency.  
TT: My meddling senses are tingling,  
TT: And I learned long ago that with great power comes great responsibility.   
TT: So help me fulfill said responsibilities by fessing up.  
CG: YOU DID NOT JUST QUOTE SPIDERMAN.  
TT: Actually, dear Karkat, it appears as though I just did.  
TT: Why the concern? Did you truly believe me unable to quote something from such mainstream media?  
TT: In any case, you did not respond to my queries.  
TT: Spill.  
CG: DID YOU TAKE THE COLLEGE COURSE ON MEDDLING FROM KANAYA BECAUSE YOU ARE SIMPLY TOO UNCANNY WITH YOUR FUCKING TIMING.  
CG: LOOK, NOW IS HONESTLY NOT THE BEST TIME FOR THIS SHIT.  
CG: IN FACT, IT NEVER WAS, NOR EVER WILL BE, TIME FOR THIS SHIT, IN ANY POSSIBLE UNIVERSE.  
CG: I CAN HOWEVER BEGRUDGINGLY PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL FIND OUT EVENTUALLY.  
CG: SO IF YOU CAN HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES FOR A LITTLE WHILE THEN YOUR CURIOUSITY WILL BE SATED UNTIL THE NEXT FULL MOON CYCLE OR WHEREVER THIS METAPHOR WAS GOING.  
TT: So I was correct to believe that there is in fact something going on at the moment?  
TT: I am intrigued.  
TT: Why the secrecy? Are you not the only party involved?  
CG: NO, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT.  
TT: And the plot thickens. ;)  
CG: NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO ASK IF YOU WOULD KINDLY FUCK IN THE VAUGUELY OFF-ISH DIRECTION.  
CG: I WOULD LIKE YOU TO IMAGINE THAT IN PLACE OF ALL THIS VERY INTELLIGENT RAMBLING, THERE IS A STRING OF VERY OFFENSIVE AND CREATIVE INSULTS AND METAPHORS THAT WILL HOPEFULLY DISCOURAGE YOU FROM EVER MEDDLING AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT'S FUCKING USELESS AND IT'S BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER ANYWAY, BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING TIRED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU OTHERWISE.  
CG: CASE TO POINT, I'VE HAD A VERY LONG DAY INVOLVING LOTS OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS AND THE BRIEF BUT MEMORABLE APPEARANCE OF A RENEGADE POTTED PLANT.  
TT: I look forward to the day when that sentence makes even the slightest inkling of sense.  
TT: Point taken. I'll leave you to your “sleep”.  
TT: Have fun, dearie.  
TT: ;)  
CG: FUCKING FUCK.

TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:14 - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya, you have taught Rose well. I don't get why everybody puts her down as cold. I personally think she's just as sassy as Karkat can be. :3
> 
> bluh, pesterlogs. all that _formatting_. look, i even formatted _that_. and that. see, i love you guys too much.
> 
>  
> 
> _just one more bbs we can do this_


	12. John: Reunite with Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* look at all that formatting 
> 
> [sobs quietly in the corner]
> 
> it's not even that much i'm just a coward. shoot me.

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:13 - -

CG: LALONDE.   
CG: PLEASE ANSWER, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT.  
TT: Why, Karkat, I didn't know you knew how to utilize the word 'please', nonetheless that it was a part of your vernacular.  
CG: HA FUCKING HA. I AM DYING OF LAUGHTER OVER THAT BIT OF SARCASM.  
CG: ANYWAYS, TO THE FUCKING POINT.  
CG: YOU REMEMBER THAT FRIEND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO?  
TT: The one you were worried about, if I'm not mistaken?  
CG: YES, THAT ONE.  
CG: AND I'M SURE YOU ALSO REMEMBER THAT CONVERSATION WE HAD INVOLVING THE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS AND POTTED PLANT.  
TT: Yes.  
CG: WELL, TODAY IS THE DAY WHERE YOU FINALLY GET TO FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK I WAS TALKING ABOUT.  
CG: SO LISTEN UP.  
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AND AFOREMENTIONED FRIEND ARE NOW IN A RELATIONSHIP.  
CG: AND THAT IF YOU HURT HIM I WILL FUCKING END YOU.  
TT: Karkat, what are you going on about?

\- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:13 - -

 

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:15 - -

EB: rose  
EB: hi  
EB: it's john  
EB: but I guess that's kind of obvious.  
EB: it's uh  
EB: been a long time?  
EB: isn't it weird that we both know karkat?  
EB: it's like a miracle  
EB: oh no gamzee is rubbing off on me please ignore that last part.  
EB: um  
EB: rose.  
EB: please respond.  
TT: oh my god  
TT: John, do you know how long Jade and I have been looking for you?  
TT: You had us worried sick!  
TT: You just vanished completely and wouldn't respond to any of our messages!  
EB: i'm sorry  
EB: I just  
TT: You're sorry? We thought you were dead! Jade was depressed for a long time!  
EB: shit  
EB: you're right  
EB: I just panicked. I know that doesn't explain what happened and I can never really say just how sorry I am that I didn't talk to you until today, because i'm a horrible friend and you guys deserve so much better than me and I just couldn't bring myself to talk to you after I   
TT: John. Wait.  
TT: I should be the one apologizing here. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that; it's just an incredible relief to finally hear from you again.  
TT: What happened? I think I can piece it together from what Karkat's told me before, but I would like to hear it from you.  
EB: I thought you might :)

 

TT: John, I'm so sorry.  
TT: We never thought that you would be going through something like that.  
TT: If I know Jade, she's going to be blaming this on herself.  
TT: If anyone, i'm to blame for assuming things I had no way of knowing and ambushing you as I did.  
TT: Have you talked to her, yet?  
EB: it wasn't your fault! Like you said you had no way of knowing.  
EB: and uh, no, I thought it would be easier to talk to you first.  
TT: I'm afraid you might be right.  
TT: Be patient with her, John. She'll most likely be extremely upset. I'm not sure how she will react.  
EB: ok, I will.  
TT: Karkat mentioned that you two are in a relationship?  
EB: uh, I should probably go talk to jade!  
EB: i'll be back!  
TT: You better. :)  
EB: :)

\- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12: 20 - -

 

\- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:22 - -

 

EB: jade, this is john  
EB: before you say anything I want you to know that i'm really sorry for just leaving you guys.  
EB: I didn't mean to hurt you and rose told me that you were depressed and that was really the exact opposite of my intention and I hope that one day you can forgive me for being such a selfish dick  
EB: and I know that right now you're probably mad and want to kill me and I completely deserve it.  
EB: I am the worst. It is me. I am a horrible excuse of a friend and you should give me every insult in the insultpedia, and if that isn't a thing then it should be a thing purely because I deserve to have a huge book thrown at my face.  
GG: john  
GG: SHUT UP!!!!  
GG: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I LOOKED FOR YOU?  
GG: OR HOW LONG I WOULD STAY UP WAITING FOR YOU TO RESPOND TO MY MESSAGES??  
GG: DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME WHEN I HAD TO GIVE UP?!  
GG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, JOHN.  
GG: YOU WERE LIKE THE BROTHER I NEVER HAD AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!!  
GG: AND THEN YOU JUST POP UP SPOUTING THESE PATHETIC APOLOGIES  
GG: YOU   
GG: YOU FUCKING FUCKASS!!!!!!!  
EB: god I missed you so much  
GG: I missed you too john :'(  
EB: I tried to talk to you guys so many times, but I would think about what you would think of me for what happened and i'd get scared  
EB: I probably owe you an explanation.

 

GG: oh my gosh, john!! D:  
GG: i'm really sorry!!! :( :(  
GG: I was so worried about finding you again that I didn't stop to think that maybe you were having a tough time too :(  
GG: this is all my fault. If I hadn't kept it a secret maybe all of this wouldn't have happened.  
GG: I don't think i'll ever be able to imagine you as mute though :l  
EB: yeah I guess it is kind of weird.  
EB: but this really isn't your fault!  
EB: In the end I guess it's ok since i've got karkat :)  
GG: I still don't see how you two ended up together!!!  
EB: he's fine once you get used to him.  
GG: I know, it's just that sometimes his attitude is so off putting! :l  
EB: I think it's kind of cute :)  
GG: hmm :l  
EB: and he's been helping me a lot lately with talking, too  
EB: I don't know what I would do without him  
EB: sorry jade, I really want to talk to you a lot more but I need to go :(  
GG: it's ok, john. I waited five years, I can wait a couple hours :)  
EB: hehe, thanks jade <3  
GG: bye john <3

\- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:30 - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe, you can bet your sweet ass that KK was yelling at John for calling him cute when he talked to Jade ;3
> 
> and there you have it! I hope you enjoyed reading it just as much as i enjoyed writing it :) this has to be the longest work i've ever completed. EVER. and this is only the first part. Wait. What? There's a second part? Yeah actually except i haven't even started it yet woops. I'll get onto it eventually (whispers no i won't it might be a while)
> 
> ANYWAY thank you for all the kudos and lovely comments and you guys have no idea how happy you've made me, both on this fic and others. Every single view, kudos, and comment has gone straight to my heart and made me blush like a giddy schoolgirl. Which, ironically, is exactly what I am. Huh. Who knew? Well, me. Oh look at that i'm rambling because once i'm finished with this i have to *shudder* _format_. Oh well. 
> 
> I hope you know (yes you. i'm talking to you. you better keep reading this you little shit) that I LOVE YOU. Even if I don't know you you hold a place in my heart. Because personally i don't see what's all so great about my writing and the fact that you would take the time to stop and read a string of words that *i* put together is. pretty damn encouraging and sweet. so here. have a kiss. it's for you. have a lessthanthree.
> 
> <3
> 
> aww who am i kidding take all of them
> 
> <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions about anything please ask! I ~love~ world-building! :3


End file.
